1) What just happened?
Otis was happily playing in his bed (that is in our room) while I got ready in the bathroom. He was talking about monsters and telling the cats to get off the bed. Standard conversation. By the time I walked back in the room I heard snoring. Legitimate, I’m-asleep-for-the-night, toddler snores.
2) Celebrate good times! Come on!
Be for real. We have been sleeping with a little person for over 3 years. When it occurred to us that this might be our first night of sleep without getting pushed off a pillow or kicked in the head we were all…
Because this wasn’t just a win, this was a win that came without blood, sweat, or tears. I don’t care what your personal trainer yells at you while you’re doing those burpees, results CAN come with little to no effort on your part.
But then it hit me. This isn’t wonderful. This is horrible. This is the passage of time. These milestones don’t remind us of how far we’ve come. No, they remind us how close we are to death and the finality of it all. This small freedom just means I’m closer to the ultimate freedom of having no one to make chicken nuggets for, no plastic lawn mowers to move before I pull out of the driveway, no boo-boos to kiss, no dancing to songs no one else can hear. And this pit in my stomach that tells me that it’s true, that this whole ride goes way faster than you could ever really want it to? It’s going to keep coming back. The first day of kindergarten. The last day of kindergarten. Riding a bike by himself. Sleepovers. First dates. A baby.
MY BABY IS (possibly) GOING TO HAVE A BABY (one day).
4) Middle of the Night Decision Making
I went to bed feeling like I had been dumped without an explanation. Left without anything other than a comforter and a husband to keep me warm. I cried myself to sleep.
Here’s where things get fuzzy.
I remember talking to Mark in the middle of the night. I remember him saying something about how if we wanted Otis in the bed he should be in the bed because we’re the grownups. Or maybe it was all a dream? I don’t know. But I remember getting out of bed, getting Otis (he was calling for me… I think?), and feeling like this was a really good decision.
Feelings of loneliness? Check.
After 1 AM? Check.
Hazy to non-existent decision making skills? Check.
Feeling really confident in a really bad decision? Check.
I basically drunk dialed my 3-year old.
5) It’s all going to be ok.
Yes, I know I’m insane. Yes, I do want Otis in his own bed. Yes, I do want to eventually have my life back.
Ok. Last one was a lie. I love my life the way it is right this very second. I seriously cry every time I think about there not being toys in the driveway and legos in my purse.
And tonight we’ll make sure his bed is proper (he didn’t even have sheets! And I was using his bed as a 2nd hamper!), and he’ll sleep in it like the big kid he is.
But not that night. That night it was all about the toddler cuddles at 3 in the morning…
Reunited. And it feels so good.