Pre-marital counseling 6 months ago…
Counselor: It will take some time getting used to each other’s sexual needs. It is not uncommon for sex to be a “problem”, even during the “honeymoon stage”.
Marie: (thinking) What. Ever. We are sooo going to be doing It. All. The. Time. Bow chicka wow wow, know what I’m saying? Heh, heh, heh…Who am I talking to?
Do not get me wrong. Everything is fine in that department, but I didn’t take a couple of variables into consideration, and they’ve led to some neurotic tendencies on my part…
Variable 1 – FOREVER
When you get married you promise to be with that person forever. For. Ever.
For. Ev. Errrrrr. (Sandlot-style please)
Promising forever leads to the natural belief that your husband or wife will be there every day. Every single day. And night. Rain or shine.
This is, obviously, a good thing. It is comforting to know that you will be with the same wonderful individual forever and ever. This promise makes it a safe place to allow your true self to be known, to create a deep and powerful intimacy. Good things, right?
This promise, unfortunately, breeds laziness, too. Especially in the sex department. There is no sense of urgency to express your desire or needs to this person that will always be in your bed. Forever (and ever). Because he’ll be there tomorrow, right? And the next night. And the next one. And don’t forget that one in fifty years…
You get lazy and you think, “Oh, we’ll just do It tomorrow… it hasn’t been that long… has it?”
This leads to my personal issue…
Variable 2 – Neuroticism
All through school I heard about how the sex life is the guage of a healthy marriage. No sex is a horrible and scary sign that the marriage is slowly (but surely) going to Heck in a handbasket. With this wonderful bit of knowledge lodged in my brain, I haven’t been able to go more than 24 hours without this anxiety filled conversation playing out…
Marie: Oh. My. Goodness. We haven’t done the nookie dance all month! Something must be wrong with us! (quiet sobbing)
Mark: Sweetie, it is July 2nd. And it is 6 in the morning… I think we’re ok…
Marie: Oh, sure, everyone thinks they’re ok, and then one sexless year later they’re vigorously chomping down on ice, built up with sexual frustration, looking at each other wondering where everything went so wrong!
Neuroticism is not good for the sex life. It makes people awkward and stiff. Good sex has a playful and spontaneous spirit to it. Neurotics cannot have playful spontaneous sex.
How do you combat the laziness that comes with forever and the potential neuroticism that may result?
A game of course!
The Sex Quota game, to be more precise. At the beginning of the week you and the hubby roll dice to determine what the sex quota is for that week.
Roll a 3? You have to make sure you Make the Whoopee 3 times that week.
Roll a 12? It’s going to be a goooood week.
The game puts a deadline on thoughts like, “Oh, we’ll just do the Naked Potato Sack Race in the morning”, yet still allows for the creativity and spontaneity required for enjoyable sex, not just technical sex.
Try it for a couple of weeks… you can thank me later, and let me know how it goes (because I haven’t actually tried anything I’m suggesting… heh).
Let the Hump Day Games begin!