Mark: Marie, you’re getting fat. And you’re spending all my money on Big Macs.
Marie: What are you talking about?
Mark: And I’ve found someone else. Here she is. I’m going to kiss her in front of you now. Isn’t this wonderful, all this honesty? Why are you crying? Get out of my palace.
Marie: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…
And then I woke up. Thank goodness I woke up. I couldn’t handle much more of Meany Head Mark.
It isn’t weird that I have these horrible dreams. I have had dreams about cheating and lying boyfriends since I’ve had boyfriends. The dream will be horrible, I’ll wake up all kinds of pissy, I’ll grow pissier by the minute replaying the dream in my head, I’ll call the boyfriend and cry about him being mean, he’ll argue that he can’t seriously be in trouble for something that happened in a dream, and I’ll argue that he seriously can. We’ll eventually get over it, and I’ll say we resolved the issue and he’ll say that I quit being dang crazy.
This situation is old hat for me.
But cheating, lying husband dreams? I’ve never dealt with these before!
The biggest difference is that I don’t have the 2 or 3 hour gap between waking up and talking to the perp. Now, I wake up all kinds of pissy and turn over and see his cheating, lying self sleeping peacefully next to me.
Instinct told me to kick him. Kick him in the ‘magic spot’. Kick him out of the bed. Details weren’t important. Just kick him.
As I got in position for the kick Meany Head Mark rolled over,
“Good morning, Sweetie, did you sleep ok?”
Crap, my plan was foiled.
“Yeah, fine… are you cheating on me?”
“Am I getting ‘too fat’? Or draining our checking account with my Big Mac addiction?”
“No… what is wrong? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”
His confusion sufficiently confirmed that he probably wasn’t cheating on me or going to make fun of my McDonald’s induced cankles…
“No, I guess you didn’t do anything wrong… you just made me mad… in my dream…”
Marriage is hard, especially when you have to wake up next to the jerk from your dreams. The plus is that you get to immediately “hug it out”… after you kick him, of course.