Hump Day “Wrapping Paper”

Taste, smell… three more to go I suppose.

I don’t think it is any surprise that men are visually stimulated. The mere suggestion of a female body part drives most guys wild. (It’s why those birthday cards that look like female boob cleavage, but are really man butt cleavage when you open the cards are hilarious. It proves the “visual easiness” of the average dude.)

However, this makes absolutely no sense to most women. Why? Because we are rarely, if ever, seduced by the sight of man. I may be speaking completely out of line, and it says nothing about my personal level of attraction for my man, but I’m pretty sure the sight of a clothes-less man does not leave most women all hot and bothered.

Let’s review.

Men – visually stimulated
Women – notsomuch

With this in mind, imagine the confusion on the woman’s part when her man asks her to show up for their “play date” in an outfit made up of dental floss and itchy lace.

WTF, dude? Double You. Tee. Eff.

The deal is that any good gift requires proper packaging. This packaging needs to be visually appealing. The “wrapping paper”, if you will, should make the receiver of the gift want to do two things: spend time admiring the packaging and want to tear into the gift immediately…

Of course, the wrapping paper I speak of is lingerie. Yes, those tiny, confusing, self confidence deflating, only advertised being worn by freaks of nature commonly known as ‘Victoria’s Secret Angels’, did I mention tiny pieces of “clothing”.

Well, I wanted answers about this delicate packaging material. How do you wear it? What do you wear? What do guys like? What would actually look good on me (‘me’ being a real person, not an anorexic vision of airbrushed perfection)?

And who better to ask these questions than the keeper of Victoria’s Secret, a Hickory Hollow VS employee?

I trekked down to my local Victoria’s Secret store determined to gain a better understanding of how to better market my “products”, if you catch my drift.

My first question was “What on earth is this?”

“A garter belt. You hook them to stockings” she said.

My immediate confusion helped me realize I was jumping into the deep end of the pool of lingerie knowledge, and I needed to head back over to the kiddie pool…

Ok, what do the dudes like, since this is really more for them than anyone else. She said it depended on what kind of “man” he is, boob, butt, legs, elbows (Really? There are elbow guys?), etc.

Then the seventeen year old sales lady asked a wise for her years question, “What part of your body do you like?”

If you’ve got great boobs, go for something with an awesome plunge. Do a cute boy short if your boo-tay is awe inducing. Are your abs rock hard? Flaunt them with see-through nighties or just go for an awesome bra and panty set. Because lingerie is only as good as the confidence it is worn with.
Lingerie Rule #1 Love atleast one part of your body, and flaunt it hardcore

“Well, what are some general tips for hiding the things you don’t like?” I asked when I couldn’t answer the question about what body part I liked.

She really was filled with lots of good info. If you don’t have a lot of “junk in the trunk”, or aren’t exactly stacked like a “brick house” (‘Hi, my name is Marie’) go for see through. The more skin the better when you aren’t exactly curvy.

Got a little too much curve action going on (like there is such a thing)? Babydoll styled pieces provide comfort, or a corset style helps keep everything in place.

Lingerie Rule #2 Directing attention away from areas that leave you feeling a little less than confident will help you ‘work it’ better.

“Yeah, speaking of ‘working it’, um, how do you do that?”

“Do you dance?”

“Heh… no. Do you have to dance when you wear lingerie? That seems odd.”

Lingerie Rule #3
If you can’t dance, take a class. Dance helps you feel comfortable with your body’s femininity and the way it moves.

I was pretty happy with all the information I had gathered on my investigation, but I still had one question…

“Seriously, how do you wear this?”

“With a thong… and a lot of confidence.”

Yes, seventeen year old Keeper of Vicki’s Secret, lots and lots of confidence.

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