I forgot to feed him. I was possibly trying to kill him via chicken.
Was there anything I could do right?
“The bedroom,” I thought, “I could succeed in the bedroom!”
I wanted to spice it up… do something different, ya know? But how??
I decided the spice of the night would be dirty talk. What better way to get in the mood than with vivid and exciting descriptions of what would be taking place, conversational foreplay. It was perfect.
I have a serious case of performance anxiety, and knew I would have to ‘practice’ before he got home in order to make sure the night went well. I practiced my ‘lines’ as I brushed my teeth that night…
“What do you think about some intercourse tonight?”
Hmm… little too clinical?
“Hey, Stud Muffin. Wanna Do It?”
A bit gruff… and only 14 year olds “do it”.
“Does your pa-nay nay wanna play with my va-jay jay?”
Ha! I like it! Nala, write that down.
“Would you like to see my heaving bosom?”
Awkward romance novel? And sets him up for disappointment when he realizes the “heaving bosom” is more like a heaving bird’s chest.
“A river rusheth between the twin trees of the Amazon for you”
Sounds Biblical enough. We’ll file that under “Possibility”.
“I want to see #$^# all over the #&*$ and DO NOT forget to use the $#!^$%#”
Yeah, I couldn’t stop giggling long enough to say this. “See #$^# all over the #&*$“? Seriously, where do I come up with this stuff?
After lots of practicing it was time to perform. I won’t go into details about which lines I used, but seriously, with gems like those could I have really gone wrong?