I’m gonna need a little more sass in that walk

I used to think there was a simple answer. That I was too skinny. That maybe it wasn’t happening for me because I didn’t weigh enough.

But then I saw people of all different sizes, small and big, tall and short, waltz right through. No questions asked.

After seeing a 75 lb. midget walk through the automatic doors at Wal-Mart one evening, I knew. I knew that the fact that automatically opening doors do not open for me at times had nothing to do with my weight.

No. The problem was that I didn’t have enough sass for the automatic door.

Try it. Try walking timidly towards an automatic door. It won’t open. I know this because I do pretty much everything timidly. I laugh timidly (until I get to know you). I speak timidly (if I speak). I have even eaten timidly (barely eating my lunch because I ordered soup in a bread bowl and was terrified the entire meal that I would get the bread bite to soup ratio wrong resulting in no more bread bowl and soup spilled on the table).

And I always walk timidly towards automatic doors, and time and time again I am met with a door that will. not. open.

Do you know the embarrassment that occurs when you are facing an automatic door that does not budge, and you’re standing there all “WTF, dude?” and some six year-old comes bouncing up and the Door is all, “Oh, here, let me open for you, little girl with no sense of fear, and I guess we’ll go ahead and let this timid loser lady in too, even though she has the obvious spirit of a wet noodle. Oh, yeah, and have fun shopping at Target.” Never heard that? Interesting.

Automatic doors demand confidence. You must have confidence that you will beat the door.

And then the therapist in me says, “Shut up. You have deep, deep trust issues. Even with automatic doors. And that’s just sad.”

Needless, to say I fired the therapist in me. She was too timid anyways.

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