I finally figured out why I don’t have a great pair…

I run my tongue over my teeth a lot.  It’s one of my favorite ‘pastimes’.  I honestly find so much vain joy in reminding myself that I have very straight teeth.  And I have never had braces.  That’s right, People.  My teeth came in completely straight all on their own.  I know I didn’t ‘accomplish’ anything, but I have considered including this on my resume, “Straight teeth.  No braces.”

Last night Mark and I were watching tv and I was fondling my teeth with my tongue thinking how very lucky I am to have naturally straight teeth when it hit me…

“Mark!  I figured it out!”

“Figured what out?”

“Why I don’t have a great pair of boobs!”

This is where the conversation gets tricky.  If Mark says ‘why’ then he is in trouble for essentially agreeing that I don’t have a great pair of boobs.  If he says my boobs are great then he is in trouble for lying.  What will he do?

He opts to simply stare at me like I’ve lost my mind.  Smart move, sir, smart move.

“Think about it,” I begin to explain, “I love my teeth.  I can spend hours admiring them, thinking about how awesome they are, running my tongue over them… and they are just teeth.  No one gets all hot and bothered about teeth!  Could you honestly imagine if I had a great pair of boobs?”

More confused staring.

“I’m just saying that I’ve always wondered why God didn’t give me amazing boobs, and now I know.  God knew that my vanity would keep me completely obsessed with them and their amazingness.  He didn’t want me to waste my days standing in front of the mirror mesmerized by boob perfection, so He gave me great teeth instead.  God really does work all things out for His good.”

When I got done explaining my epiphany I looked to Mark for his reaction.  He was ignoring me, preferring to watch a detergent commercial rather than listen to me wax theological on the topic of breasts.

I’m just glad I can scratch that off my list of questions to ask God…

Why don’t I have a great pair of boobs?
Where are all the missing socks?
How do You explain Paris Hilton’s success?

9 thoughts on “I finally figured out why I don’t have a great pair…

  1. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    A. I LOVE this blog!!! Great topic!
    B. I too have perfectly straight teeth without braces! I am serously proud of this, as if I really had anything to do with it! Should I list it on my resume? I think people would be impressed! 🙂
    C. I wish I had a picture of Mark’s face during this conversation. I’m sure it was too funny.
    D. I LOVE the questions that you have in store for God! I kind of hope that I’m there when you are asking him all your questions. You’d probably like to stick around for mine, too. Ie. How many hairs a day fall out of my head? I’m thinking it’s around 1,000,000. ; Why did my hair grow back different from my other hair?; How did you dream up all the animals?; What’s the cure for cancer?; and so on…
    E. Some of your missing socks are in between the drum of your machine and the outer casing thing. (Look in your machine, there is a small space between the top of the drum and the opening of the door.) Some really do get sucked into the pipe with the water. Some are probably behind the machines. (between the wall and the machine, or between the machines) I know that I’ve dropped stuff back there and just leave it. The rest are possibly in another pile of clothes that are waiting to be washed/already have been washed. You just dropped one or missed it when doing laundry. I’m so smart! I highly doubt you are still reading this at this point. So lalala…
    F. I almost bought Paris Hilton’s cd for a dollar yesterday. LOL! (I’m serious, I was thisclose to buying it!)

  2. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    PS. to letter E. There’s money in those little spaces too!! Jackpot!

  3. mckinneyoatescereal says:

    Re: B
    So, I just got on Myspace to look at your perfect teeth, and you do have beautiful teeth! Way to go, us!
    Re: C
    His face was hilarious. I think that’s why I kept going. I felt I was already toeing the line with the decency thing on this blog, so I didn’t describe what I’d be doing with my hands if I had a great pair, but his face during that was absolutely priceless!
    Re: D
    “How did He dream up the animals?” That’s a brilliant question!
    Re: E
    You’re so smart. I had heard about this drum thing, but never looked… I will have to go check it out. And I’m so lazy about dropping things between the machines, too! I drop stuff behind the machines all the time and am too lazy to pick it up… And I so read all of your comments 😀
    Re: F
    Ha, so you’re part of the reason Paris is successful! I’m teasing, sometimes I like her, sometimes I don’t… and I probably would have picked it up for a $1! You’re so good with deals 😀

  4. Sindhu says:

    Hahah. I happened to come over here from BrazenCareerist. Great blog — loved this entry. 🙂

    I have naturally straight teeth too and I never had to wear braces or visit the dentist for much. I’m forever thankful for this!

  5. mckinneyoatescereal says:

    Sindhu, thanks!

    I am starting to feel so not special for my straight teeth! 😀 But it is nice, isn’t it?

  6. Rebecca says:

    I do not have a great pair of boobs either, but beautiful teeth. I had to wear braces forever though. Hilarious post 🙂

  7. […] marvelous.  Truly worth every one of those 5,000 pennies.  And if you thought I loved my teeth before, WATCH OUT.  My teeth and I should probably get a […]

  8. Leandra says:

    hahaha! You’re hilarious. I’m super convinced that I only got what I could handle. I think perhaps having low self-esteem actually worked to my benefit, as I believe I’m much more humble than I would’ve been without it all those years. 🙂

  9. […] talked plenty about not having boobs, but I haven’t talked much about being the mom of a Late Talker. And they’re kinda the […]

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