While my brother was in college, he and his then-girlfriend were doing the long-distance thing. For the most part the pair had to wait until both were home in Nashville to see each other, but every once in a while he would go down to visit her in Mississippi. Before his first trip my mom gave him some very solemn advice:
Bobby, keep it in your pocket.
She meant to say keep it in your pants, and that really meant, “Don’t get anyone pregnant!” Of course, this was a good laugh for everyone (I mean, could you imagine someone whipping The Wand out of his pocket!). In all seriousness, though, is that really the best advice that we can give to men about their birth control options? Just keep your pants on?
And the even worse seriousness is that, yes, it is the best advice we can give because, atleast in America, birth control remains solely the responsibility of women (despite the fact that, according to NFP, women can only get pregnant for a window of about 5 days and men are always fertile. Always!). Not only have we allowed men to become significantly less responsible for the offspring they helped produce(a Google search for ‘teen mom’ gets more than twice the hits than searching for ‘teen dad’), but we’ve also let them off the hook when it comes to preventing said offspring!
In light of all this, I would like to do my part in educating you, dear Reader, about the male contraception you never knew existed…
Forget the cold shower, give me a hot bath!
Apparently, the sperm holding sac is not located “within” a man’s body because in order for sperm to produce the sac has to be slightly cooler than the body temperature. So, one option for dropping the sperm count is to heat the sac to the point that sperm can’t be produced. Dr. Martha Vogeli did research on men taking 45 minute long sitz baths at 116 degrees Farenheit for 21 days. This method supposedly produced 100% birth control effectiveness for 6 months. Not real sure what a ‘sitz bath’ is, or that the real reason no one got pregnant was because he had 2nd degree burns on his Little Man and couldn’t have sex if he wanted to… but it’s an option.
No splash at the end of this ride
This one intrigued me because it is called the “Dry Orgasm Pill“. Seriously, I like it just because of how clean it sounds! I am not even going to try to understand the science behind this other than the pills used to be used as a schizophrenia medication (way to go, Mental Health Science!). Scientific stuff happens and the result is a normal feeling orgasm for the man, and no messy clean up for anyone… tell me why this doesn’t have a commercial, yet?
This one is my favorite…
Radio-controlled Contraceptive Implant
This one is great because it can double as a Christmas present! Every guy likes to have the niftiest, newest gadget, right? Well, why don’t you surprise him this Christmas with a radio-controlled implant that would allow him to control the flow of The Seed with a touch of a button? No surgery is required, just insert an 800-micron long device with a hypodermic needle… piece of cake, right? And the remote controller stays locked up in a doctor’s office so no one can accidentally unlock the dam.
So there ya go. A few easy and completely normal ways to hand the keys of Offspring Prevention to your partner.
Boys, you’re welcome.