This is hard for me to talk about, especially in such a public way. At the same time, not talking about it is kind of like ignoring the elephant in the closet. Er, in the room. Although, elephants coming “out of the closet” is kinda funny. But I digress.
My husband belonged to another before he belonged to me. Someone who still has his heart wrapped around, but not stuck to, her little finger.
Who is this ‘other woman’?
Ms. Teflon Coating. Skank.
You read that correctly. My husband is truly, madly, deeply in love with Teflon.
The first time I realized something was, como se dice, wrong was right before we got married. We were deciding what to register for, and we agreed that we didn’t need any pots or pans.
“Yeah, my mom just bought new pots and pans. We could just take her old ones,” I suggested.
“Her pots don’t have a Teflon coating, though.”
“Uh, no. But they’re really nice.”
At that point he gave me the oddest look. A look that bordered on sheer disgust. A look that said, “Don’t you know that Teflon is how. I. roll?”
I decided to drop it. We were in love. About to get married. How embarrassing to have to call off a wedding because of a fight over Teflon? Little did I know it was only the beginning.
Presents came flooding in. As we went through gifts I noticed something odd. Nothing, and I mean nothing, compared to Teflon in Mark’s eyes.
The very awesome egg and muffin toaster maker thing? Eh.
The Roomba? Yawn.
The see-through lingerie? I’m sorry. Did you say something?
Anything with a Teflon coating? Oh. my. goodness. How did they know? It’s everything I’ve always wanted and more!
I don’t have proof, but I’m pretty sure he wet his pants when we received a set of Teflon coated pots and pans. And do I think it’s a coincidence that the gift came from his best man, Ben? No, I’m pretty sure that the bachelor’s party was spent with Mark begging Ben to get us a set of pots and pans.
I could deal with his pots and pans snobbery. And with the quirky excitement for all things Teflon. But the day I got a lecture on proper Teflon care? Oh no. Hell no. He done up and done it.
“Marie, why are there scratches on Teflon?”
“Mark, I think the real question is why are you inspecting the pans?”
“All I’m saying is that Teflon is a special blah, blah, blah… You can’t just use metal utensils on it blah, blah, blah… If I could procreate with it I would have by now blah, blah, blah…”
I get the lecture at least once a month. And once a month I seriously consider getting myself Teflon coated in an effort to reignite the passion in the marriage…