Living with the ‘Other Woman’

This is hard for me to talk about, especially in such a public way.  At the same time, not talking about it is kind of like ignoring the elephant in the closet.  Er, in the room.  Although, elephants coming “out of the closet” is kinda funny.  But I digress.

My husband belonged to another before he belonged to me.  Someone who still has his heart wrapped around, but not stuck to, her little finger.

Who is this ‘other woman’?

Ms. Teflon Coating.  Skank.

You read that correctly.  My husband is truly, madly, deeply in love with Teflon.

The first time I realized something was, como se dice, wrong was right before we got married.  We were deciding what to register for, and we agreed that we didn’t need any pots or pans.

“Yeah, my mom just bought new pots and pans.  We could just take her old ones,” I suggested.

“Her pots don’t have a Teflon coating, though.”

“Uh, no.  But they’re really nice.”

At that point he gave me the oddest look.  A look that bordered on sheer disgust.  A look that said, “Don’t you know that Teflon is how. I. roll?”

I decided to drop it.  We were in love.  About to get married.  How embarrassing to have to call off a wedding because of a fight over Teflon?  Little did I know it was only the beginning.

Presents came flooding in.  As we went through gifts I noticed something odd.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, compared to Teflon in Mark’s eyes.

The very awesome egg and muffin toaster maker thing? Eh.

The Roomba?  Yawn.

The see-through lingerie?  I’m sorry.  Did you say something?

Anything with a Teflon coating?  Oh. my. goodness.  How did they know?  It’s everything I’ve always wanted and more!

I don’t have proof, but I’m pretty sure he wet his pants when we received a set of Teflon coated pots and pans.  And do I think it’s a coincidence that the gift came from his best man, Ben?  No, I’m pretty sure that the bachelor’s party was spent  with Mark begging Ben to get us a set of pots and pans.

I could deal with his pots and pans snobbery.  And with the quirky excitement for all things Teflon.  But the day I got a lecture on proper Teflon care?  Oh no.  Hell no.  He done up and done it.

“Marie, why are there scratches on Teflon?”

“Mark, I think the real question is why are you inspecting the pans?”

“All I’m saying is that Teflon is a special blah, blah, blah… You can’t  just use metal utensils on it blah, blah, blah… If I could procreate with it I would have by now blah, blah, blah…”

I get the lecture at least once a month.  And once a month I seriously consider getting myself Teflon coated in an effort to reignite the passion in the marriage…

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7 thoughts on “Living with the ‘Other Woman’

  1. Rebecca says:

    This post was hilarious and so well-written. Well done 🙂

  2. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Marie – I was about to say that you should buy teflon coated lingerie! ha! That’s funny to think about. Where would you get it though? Spencer’s? (Is Spencer’s still open?)

    A roomba! You got a roomba! How cool!! Those things are so expensive!! Does it work well? Do you really like it?

    Thomas and I had the teflon discussion. We own pans without teflon and I can use whatever I want in there. It’s pretty much awesome and conflict free!

  3. mckinneyoatescereal says:

    Rebecca, thanks!

    CT, teflon coated lingerie would have Mark going absolutely beserk! And I think there is still a Spencer’s at Opry Mills.

    We did get a roomba! We love it, but the cats hate it with a passion which makes it all the more entertaining. It definitely works way better than I thought it would, but we’re still horrible about remembering to run it. And this is weird, but I still vacuum regularly every once in awhile because I love the lines in the carpet. I’m odd 😀

    And amen to kitchen items that are NOT dainty and requiring special care!

  4. Shelly says:

    Careful with those scratches while your cooking, according to my grandmother, that stuff is poisonous if you ingest it. Not sure, I usually ignore her warning lectures, but thought I’d pass it on to you anyhow.

  5. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    I don’t know Shelly but I agree with her. I’ve heard the same thing about the poisonous fumes that scratched teflon emits. (Susan, any thoughts??) This was how I won the teflon battle. I simply can’t be required to remember not to use certain utensils during cooking! ha! 🙂

    http://www.theonly-cookware.com says “Overheating Poses Risk to Animals” Another disadvantage of Teflon is that some of its fluropolymers can emit mildly toxic gases if overheated. While this rarely has any effect on humans, birds and some other types of small animals can become sick from the fumes. You should not allow Teflon pans to reach temperatures above 300°F, and you should keep pets out of the kitchen while cooking.

    So…your furry babies might be getting harmed by the teflon!! ha

  6. mckinneyoatescereal says:

    With all of this new information about Teflon, I am making the executive decision to quit cooking. You heard it hear first…

    Marie is no longer cooking. McDonald’s for life.

    Seriously, thank you guys for the all the evidence that “Teflon is whack!” (not nearly as catchy as, ‘Crack is whack!’, but I like it!) 🙂

  7. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Whoot-whoot!! McD for life! $1 sweet tea is awesome!

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