I read lots of blogs/books/articles about the how-to’s of becoming successful in various areas of my life. I’m trying to stop because the love of how-to’s is a sign of anxiety, the inability to be present to the process which is where true success is found.
Until I successfully kick my self-help habit, I will share one piece of advice that shows up, in various forms, everywhere:
Have goals. Write goals down. Use SMART goals. Long-term goals. Short-term goals. Lists of goals. Share your goals.
I have done amazingly well in school despite the effort put in, and a big part of that is because I follow directions. I am a direction following fanatic. I read directions for shampoo, People. I love following directions.
So when the books tell me to have goals? I make goals. I write them down. I break them down into long-term and short-term. I make sure they are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and on a time line. If you ever ride in my car you will be greeted with a list of various goals because I want to be constantly reminded of where I want to be in a given amount of time.
I take goals seriously. I follow directions.
I have goals for my health, finances, relationships, career. You name it, I’ve probably goaled it.
Everything, that is, except for my sex life. I have no goals for my sex life. And having no goals is the equivalent of saying, “I am ok with this staying the same. I have no expectation of growth from this area of my life.” Which is so not true! I want sex to get better, I want to become more sexually fulfilled as time goes by. I refuse to settle for sexual stagnation.
I’m not going to share my personal sex goals (mostly because I thought of this approximately 15 minutes ago, and haven’t had time to make one yet), but a great place to start is with my favorite therapy technique, the Miracle Question:
If you woke up tomorrow, and a miracle happened that caused your sex life to be amazing, what would be different? What would that look like to you?
Your answer should give you an idea of what details constitute amazing sex for you. Saying “My goal is to have better sex” is simply not going to cut it.
Did your miracle include having more confidence? Could you tell you were more confident because your miracle self had buns of steel? Or was your confidence seen in whispering your secret fantasy into your lover’s ear?
Maybe your miracle sex happened after an amazing night of emotional foreplay. Perhaps the physical intimacy happened after a night of stimulating conversation. Or a whole day was spent showering each other with random acts of love that allowed you to truly melt into each other’s arms.
What does your sexual miracle look like? What goals are going to get you there?