Frisky Kitty and The Eunuch

I thought about making this my Hump Day post, but decided no one wants to read about the sexual needs of cats on Wednesday. No, it’s definitely a Tuesday topic.

Friday night Omi began to make horrible sounds. Sounds that made me wonder if she was dying. Or if she was simply morphing into a Beagle. I really wasn’t sure which. I just knew that after two hours of awfulness I needed her to stop.

Me: According to Google she is in heat. That sound is to let other cats know she is “ready to mate”.

Mark: Slut.

Me: Mark!

Mark: Sorry.

Me: We have some choices. Wait it out. Get her spayed. Or get her laid. (I did it for the rhyme, People. Please don’t be offended.)

Mark: It’s the weekend, we can’t get to the vet. This is torture, and I don’t think I can wait it out…

We both looked at Nala who, despite the feminine name, is a male. Well, kind of.

Me: But he’s already fixed. Can fixed cats have sex?

Mark: I don’t know. Google it.

Me: Well, it looks like they can have sex IF they had sexual desires before neuterization. I don’t think Nala was sexual before we had him neutered. He is completely unable to satisfy a woman.

Mark: Being rough on the little guy, aren’t you?

Me: YOU CALLED MY CAT A SLUT!

Mark: Calm down.

Me: I’d suggest you, ya know, give him some “pointers”, but I’d hate for your “techniques” to ruin Omi’s first time…

Mark: Silence.

Me: Heh.

Mark: Silence.

Me: I’ve got jokes?

Mark had quit talking to me so I turned to Nala.

Me: Dude! Don’t you want a piece of that? C’mon, give her some loving so that we can have some peace and quiet around here. Look at her! She is giving her stuff away! Please, Nala. Have sex with Omi. Please?

I promise you that after my little speech Nala chuckled. Yes. Chuckled. He chuckled because I’m the reason his Love Machine is broken. I’m to blame for him being unable to meet Omi’s needs. I’m the one who thought it was going to be so funny to take the little brat’s balls away.

And now I’m the one who has to listen to the most horrendous sound on earth. A cat in heat.

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3 thoughts on “Frisky Kitty and The Eunuch

  1. Rebecca says:

    Do you read Dooce? That’s who you remind me of. I didn’t see a way to contact you… can you email me when you get the chance? I have an idea I’d like to run past you.

  2. Crystal says:

    I stayed the night with friend when I was in middle school and her cat was in heat. It’s definitely something I’ll never forget. When we got our dog, we had her fixed without delay. I know dogs and cats are very different creatures, but I wasn’t about to take a chance on any craziness.
    (I swear that cat screamed ALL NIGHT LONG.)

  3. Marie says:

    Rebecca, I love Dooce. She’s so funny.

    Crystal, I wish we had gotten her fixed sooner, we just didn’t worry about it since having Nala fixed seemed to be enough. Until the screaming started (and you’re right, that’s what it is).

    And I’m still working on pictures of the highlights! 😀

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