Pregnancy and other things that ruin my day

“Have you started your…”

Mark won’t acknowledge my period with words.  He just squinches his face all funny.

“No, and I was actually making a point not to think about it, ‘kay?”

I really hadn’t thought about it very much.  I have never ever had an irregular cycle.  Ever.  I was so regular that I never even bothered with marking dates on calendars and such.  It was always 10 days after an ugly cry and 2 days after homicidal cravings for cheese sticks. I trusted that it was just a matter of time.

And then the weekend passed.  Nothing.

I refused to think about it too much.  Thinking would cause stress, stress would cause even more lateness, and more lateness would cause… well, more lateness would make me cry.  “Woosah,” I whispered to myself  every time my mind raced with thoughts of unplanned parenthood.

On Tuesday I was panicked.  March 31st and nothing.  I had less than 24 hours before I went an entire month without a period.  I gave up on “Woosah” and started having internal cussing fits every 15 minutes.  And then I would silently reprimand myself for cussing while with child.  What kind of mother are you, I’d ask myself.  And then I’d start cussing again at the word mother.

My entire world became colored with pregnancy symptoms.  The flowers in our lobby that I can never smell? I kept getting huge whiffs all through the day.  Was that my super powered pregnancy nose?  The past weekend spent turning our dining room into my own little office/workspace, is that me nesting? Already?

After starting a small fire in the break room because I had tossed a foil wrapped chicken wrap in the microwave (pregnancy absentmindedness, perhaps?) I cried to my co-worker, Tina, “I think I’m pregnant!

“Umm, I’m sorry, what?!?”

I recounted everything I’d been fretting over.  She suggested I run to the store and get a test.  I thought it was a good idea.  So I went.  And sat in the parking lot for my entire lunch hour refusing to get out because “Wait, I think… I think… yes, I think I’m starting…that feeling has to be my period.”

See, I’ve never had a pregnancy scare before.  Not a real one, anyways.  I mean, I would tell The Guy I Used To Date every once in a while that I thought I might be late, but it was mostly to scare him.  And make him say things like “I love you,” and “Of course, I won’t leave you if you’re having my child“.  My level of maturity was untouchable.

Buying a pregnancy test would make this thought real for the very first time in my entire life.  The thought of being pregnant.  A pregnancy test would be like admitting defeat in a battle I didn’t even know I was fighting.  Admitting that I might possibly be pregnant.  I was overwhelmed with emotions at just the thought of the possibility.  Angry at myself for going between awkwardly cussing myself out and smiling uncontrollably.  Confused because part of me wants my period to start, and a tiny, little voice kind of hopes it doesn’t.  Scared because if I’m not, do all these different emotions mean I want to be?

I decide to get out of the car and buy a test.  As soon as I open the car door rain begins to pour down.  Like God was crying.  Crying because He gave the wrong person a baby.  “Sorry, Dude,” I silently prayed as I walked in to CVS.

I waited until I got home to take it because I had dreams of what my first pregnancy test would be like, and crying alone in the office bathroom was not one of them.  So at about 5 o’clock on Tuesday Mark and I found out that…

I’m not pregnant.

Thank, God.  I think.  I’m still confused about how I feel.  Mark seemed relieved, but his goofy smile when talking about him getting up in the middle of the night to feed the imaginary baby let me know that he is as much on the fence as I am. 

And after all of this, for the very first time in my entire life, I’m answering the word ‘baby’ with a solidly undecided ‘maybe?’.

An aside: After we found out we weren’t pregnant, I begged Mark to go with me to my parents’ house and trick my mom into thinking we were pregnant.  And video tape it.  Because there would not be a better video on the face of the planet than my mom’s initial doubt turning into screaming joy turning into a cussing and hitting fit when I told her she’d been Punk’d.  I insisted it would be art.  Mark said it was cruel and vetoed the project.  So, you can thank Mark for depriving you of the now non-existant masterpiece.

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10 thoughts on “Pregnancy and other things that ruin my day

  1. Dude, you have such a knack for telling stories. I cannot relate to this in any way, having never been married or had a pregnancy scare, so I can’t leave a really insightful comment here. But I was on the edge of my seat through that whole post, hoping for you to get your period already and not be pregnant. And despite the seriousness of the situation there were like 5 times I just cracked up.

    Glad things worked out the way you wanted, and no one is sorrier than me that you didn’t get to pull the prank on your mom and post the video. Maybe you should try convincing Mark again and tell him how much your readers want to see that….

    • Marie says:

      Nisha, thanks for the comment! And a video would have been the perfect way to end it, but Mark said no. I may have to go solo on this project. Ha, and I’m glad I gave you a chuckle anyways 😀

  2. Susan says:

    Oh, go ahead and have one. It will be fun.
    And please, don’t do that to your mama.

    • Marie says:

      Susan, the only way that I could pull that prank off is if I really was pregnant. Carrying her grandchild would be the only thing to stop her from killing me 😀

      Pam, thanks for the welcome and the comment! It was kinda evil, wasn’t it? But it woulda been so. much. fun. 😀

      Gamer’s Wife, I honestly can’t comprehend NOT having mixed feelings about being pregnant. It’s just such a huge life change. And the fact that the thought doesn’t leave you in a puddle of tears says something really good about your relationship 😀

  3. Archer Pam says:

    You are EVIL! LOL I laughed a lot at your story. I agree with Mark on the mom prank. Don’t do that to her. :0) Welcome to Twitter.followers.

  4. I’ve been married a little less than 2 years, and I can totally relate to your story! It was nice to read how you have mixed feelings about the whole idea as well. While I used to feel that I’d cry if I found out I was pregnant, I think I’m at a point where I feel secure and ready and would be happy with that news. We aren’t actively trying or anything so it’s in God’s hands I suppose!

  5. ktennant says:

    This is a great story. Girl, I’ve been there! I’ve had a handful of those moments since I was 16! And then there were the times when I really *wanted* to get pregnant, and spent the whole waiting-for-my-period week reading into every single possible symptom. (I feel bloated, but I’m pretty sure it’s a different kind of bloated than PMS bloated…maybe. And am I craving olives more than usual?)

    The scariest waiting time for me happened during the last few days of my honeymoon, after marrying Jason (my second husband) almost two years ago. I was POSITIVE I was pregnant, for a variety of reasons, and was in a panic over it. We already have three girls, between the two of us, and they’re all in that somewhat easy, self-sufficient stage. They also all go to their other parents’ homes every other weekend, and the thought of giving up our couple time was very upsetting. When I finally confirmed that I wasn’t pregnant, I was hugely relieved, but there was a tiny part of me that was sad, too. Isn’t it funny how that works?

    • Marie says:

      Kristin, thanks for the comment! I wonder if all women are always just a teensy-weensy bit sad when they find out they aren’t pregnant, even if it would be a totally inconvenient time to get pregnant. And that is a probably the best parenting set-up ever! The fun of having kids AND a break on some weekends! Very cool.

  6. Connie Oates says:

    Ok Marie I have and idea when you do have a baby and we are home you can send them to me every other week end or when needed, thus you have your time and I have my time to love on them. Ta Da fun times are still to come.
    LOL Mom

    • Marie says:

      Oh, trust me, after we realized we were “in the clear” with the whole pregnancy thing we decided that y’all coming home was a HUGE variable for timing when to start having kids 😉 We decided that between you and my mom we may not even get to see the baby 😀

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