What Being a Wife Has Taught Me About Interviews

Mark:  Whatcha doin’?
Marie: Blogging about that time your balls were hurting.
Mark:  Yeah.  I’m gonna have to read that one first…

I was completely aware that getting married meant I would be taking on many new responsibilities.  Like, I would have to order two value meals instead of just one cook and be in charge of the war on junk mail.  I was ready and excited for this challenge.

At the same time, there were lots of responsibilities that I had no clue I would be taking on.  I didn’t know I’d have to buy the man underwear while on a routine trip to Target (“Buy you underwear? But I don’t know boy underwear!”).  I didn’t know it would be my responsibility to stay on top of our milk inventory especially since I DON’T DRINK MILK.  And I had no clue that I would have to make his doctor’s appointments.

That’s right.  Making doctor’s appointments is apparently a wife duty.  To be fair, Mark did not ask me to make him a doctor’s appointment.  But two things sent me the subtle message that it was indeed my responsibility.  First, he kept complaining but wouldn’t do anything about it.  Second, the ladies I work with are always calling doctors and making appointments for their husbands, why should I think myself better than them?  So I called the doctor.

I am a very awkward person.  Especially in real life.  Because of this I do lots of “practicing” before making phone calls as a way of reducing said awkwardness.  Unfortunately, in my eagerness to be a “good wife”  I did not practice my first “make an appointment for my husband” phone call…

Ring
Dr.’s Office:  Good morning, Dr’s Office, how may I direct your call?

Marie:  Hello, yes, I would like to schedule an appointment.  But not for me.  It’s for someone else.  But not, like, a stranger.  I need to make an appointment for my husband.  But I don’t know his social security number.  Is that going to be a problem?

As you can probably tell I really should have practiced this phone call first.  I thought about just hanging up and trying again, but something deep inside assured me that this phone call would get better.

Dr.’s OfficeWho are you making an appointment for?

Marie:  My husband.  Can I do that?

Dr.’s Office:  Yes, yes of course…

She took his name and we figured out a time that would work.  Everything was back on track.  And then…

Dr.’s Office:  Now, what does your husband need to see the doctor for?

I don’t know why I wasn’t prepared for this question, but I wasn’t.  My unpreparedness, however, did not stop me from answering.

Interview TipDon’t be afraid to think about your answers. – Sydney Owen (the interview tip is included for the sole purpose of trying to get on the front page of Brazen.  Because that would be freakin’ hilarious.)

I wish I had known about this advice while on the phone with the Dr.’s office.  I really do.  If I had that advice in my pocket, I’m pretty sure I would have not said this…

Marie:  What’s wrong with him?  Um, how do I say this?  His balls are hurting?

Something told me that “balls” was not a medical term.

Marie:  Um, I mean, his testicles are the problem.  They’re hurting.  Or something.  I don’t really know.  I don’t have any.  So, um, I’m really not sure what is wrong with his balls, I mean testicles.  But he wants to talk to the doctor about them.

Dr.’s Office:  … Okaaay… well, we’ll see your husband next week.

I called Mark to tell him about the appointment. And to just ignore it when the doctor’s receptionists look at him funny.

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14 thoughts on “What Being a Wife Has Taught Me About Interviews

  1. Erica says:

    I love you. That is all.


    Erica, I love you, too 😀

  2. jamievaron says:

    Wait, I thought balls was the medical term?

    Great, now “balls” is forever going to be a part of my Google searches, because of this comment. Maybe I’ll get a date from it. WOO!

    BALLS!


    Jamie, don’t date someone who is searching for “balls”. Date someone for searching “I have more money than God”.

  3. greg says:

    i’m not a big blog commenter, but i have to for this one.

    that was hilarious, marie.


    Greg! You commented on my blog! That’s so cool. I am honestly overwhelmed by the response to my husband’s balls. Proud, but overwhelmed.

  4. lizam2m says:

    That was awesome. And, it reminds me of a sketch I did while at Second City in LA. It was totally based on truth and probably happens to most ladies with a boyfriend/fiance/husband. It starts out with me (played by a friend of mine) on the phone with my mom (played by another friend). I come out, as my then fiance, and ask who’s on the phone. When I (as my fiance – are you following this?) hear that, I go away and come back again with my fake balls and penis out and start slapping them on “me” whispering so “mom” can’t hear, “Play with my balls, play with my balls…” and other such things about me relating to his balls and penis. It went over REALLY well with the guys in the audience. Does your husband like to do that to you when YOU’RE on the phone? Because mine does. He thinks it’s hilarious.


    Liza, this story is beyond hilarious. Seriously. I keep laughing at just the thought of Mark doing that to me and how I would feel both amused and terrified at the same time. This story is priceless. And I NEED to know if anyone else’s bf/fiance/husband does this. Any other guys do this to their ladies?? TOO FUNNY!

  5. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Oh my goodness Marie!!! You are SO funny and very right about the retarded “wife” duties that you get after becoming Mrs. Right.

    Thomas will complain about “x” body part hurting. (Mostly it’s his knees or his arm/shoulder.) A long time ago when we first started dating, I would feel really bad for him. Now, I give him the look. He now knows this look means for him to: a. shut it because I don’t want to hear it, b. call the doctor and get something for it, or c. get the surgery all ready ya big cry baby. I usually offer (sarcastically) to call the doctor for him. At this point, the “x” body part doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. It’s a miracle!

    I have made dr’s appointments for him before though. My phone calls usually go about the same way your phone call went. This is just me being retarded and not sure what to tell the doctor people exactly. I do it when calling the dr for myself too. It’s kind of funny. (I do know what my social security number is though.)

    Love ya Marie!!


    CT, I’m so glad that you’ve made appts. for Thomas too. I’m going to need to learn that look, though. It sounds like it comes in handy.

    And talking the dr. people is so weird, even when it is for yourself. It’s like, “How much information do you want? Is a general ‘I’m sick’ enough? Or do you want details?” It’s so confusing.

  6. Michelle Ziegler Ashburn says:

    Hilarious!
    I hope Mark’s balls are okay.


    Michelle, thanks! And his balls are doing great 😀

  7. lifelessons4u says:

    LOL! That was too funny! My hubby has now graduated to making his own appointments. He got ticked off at the doctor/dentist so he went and found some others — of course they were based on the advice of some men he works with. That’s cool with me, at least I don’t have to make the appointments anymore. On another note, you may also find that you will be in charge of the “buying gifts” department, and maybe birthday cards too. Thanks for sharing this story with us. Take care, A.


    A, thanks for the heads up! We’re both horrible at remembering when it’s gift time, so this is going to be interesting if I’m “responsible” for it…

  8. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    I agree with A. I have to buy gifts from the both of us and select all cards for any occasion. I don’t understand why he whines about which item his mother would like for Christmas. Umm…it’s his mom. He needs an input! I don’t know what she likes.

    On cards, I usually make him sign his own name. If you ever get a card that he has actually signed his own name or actually (gasp!) written more than just his name…you are REALLY special. He usually whines about signing his own name, so most of the time I just do it for him.

    Men are babies.


    Too funny! Once again, we haven’t had very many gift situations yet… but I have a feeling that for the sake of ease I’ll be doing the signing. I’ve never been a fan of pulling teeth 😀

  9. Rebekah says:

    Marie….hilarious!!! I too didn’t know about the making appointments thing, and he has cancelled every one that I ever made, so I gave up. He still complains about pains though!!


    I’m so glad I’m not the only one blind sided by this little piece of info 😀 And I don’t get the complaining about pains, do they really think we enjoy listening to it or something??

  10. Gosh, you have the best stories. This is better than a sitcom. And you inspire to me to write on my blog.

    You= awesome

    (and you are officially my new blogger crush) don’t worry, I get them all the time.


    Monica, you’re too funny… and the best part is that you’re going to write more!! Woo hoo!

  11. Eva says:

    OK this one just sealed it. I need a wife, not a husband.


    Amen!

  12. […] You probably don’t remember the last time that I interacted with the medical community on behalf of someone else. Here. Let me remind you. […]

  13. Oh my goodness, Marie, I just got here via your most recent post, and I DIED laughing. Like, I was crying all over the place and worrying that my husband would run in, wondering what was wrong. You are TOO FUNNY.

    • Marie says:

      Ha, I’m so glad you enjoyed it. It’s funny when you read stuff that was written forever ago. I wonder where my filter is sometimes 🙂

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