“So I was telling him that I wasn’t feeling very attractive because I kept seeing pictures of all these beautiful airbrushed models. Seriously, who looks like that?” asked my friend at dinner one night.
“And then do you know what he says? He says, ‘Don’t worry. Y’all are different kinds of hot, but you’re hotter.’ WHAT?! Was that supposed to make me feel BETTER or something?”
There is some guy out there reading this (“Hi, Greg!”) and wondering “I… I don’t get it… he said she was hotter. Isn’t that a good thing?”
Yes, a good thing in a “logical” sense. Not in an “emotional” sense. In an emotional sense that sentence got interpreted as “You’re decent, but the only reason I’m with you is because I can’t be with one of those hot magazine girls. I don’t care if it’s airbrushed. Get me a beer.”
The worst part about this is that women are the gatekeepers of the sex. But due to our “craziness” sometimes we aren’t gatekeepers as much as Soup Nazis, cruelly and arbitrarily deciding who gets soup. And who doesn’t.
It isn’t fair, but here are some tips on how to keep your lady from going Soup Nazi on you in the bedroom:
Don’t even kind of hint that she isn’t THE most beautiful person you’ve EVER seen.
We know we aren’t as pretty as Jessica Alba. We get it. The better job you do of helping us forget this “fact” (without the use of alcohol) the better your chance of getting a bowl of soup.
Say something smart or funny
All girls want to be with someone who is either smart or funny. Informal research says that these qualities are even more important than money. Even during a recession. That’s big. When you say something smart or make us laugh we think, “Wow, I did a great job picking this one!” We will celebrate our selection with a bowl of soup. Go brush up on your Latin.
Give her money
Ok, not literally. That would be illegal. But if you’re rich and you said something stupid reminding us how much money you have wouldn’t be the worst move you could make. I mean, dude, we’re in a recession. Don’t be afraid to use your resources. Buy us a great pair of shoes to go with that cup of soup.
Women are crazy. Crazy and powerful.
Enjoy all the soup you can this Hump Day!