Hump Day: Mothers (and their battle scars) are awesome

During our premarital counseling Mark and I were given tons of material to read.  Tons.  Especially on the topic of sex.  We read everything from theology of sexuality to graphs comparing how a man gets aroused (like a microwave) to how a woman gets aroused (like a crockpot). 

For information junkies like Mark and myself, this was heaven.

Until I got to the “Questions from Men” chapter in one of the books.  This book was written by a Christian couple, and in this particular chapter the husband was answering various questions that men have about sexuality.  I don’t remember the exact question, but it had something to do with the man feeling weird about having sex with his wife since she’d given birth.  He felt like her body was, like, a holy place or something. Like I said, kinda foggy on details.

The answer, however, has been seared in my mind.  Forever.  The author answered with this gem (and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find our books),

It is hard to see a woman in the same light after she has given birth.  First of all, there are the obvious physical changes that occur.  Her breasts and hips are no longer the same.  You may not have the same desire for her body anymore, and this is normal.  Instead, look at her body with admiration.  Like a soldier with battle scars, she has sacrificed her body to give you children.

Ahem.  I’m sorry, Author Dude, is your book supposed to help people stay together?  Because I’m pretty sure that if I was a woman who just spent any amount of time pushing a CHILD out of my body and had a husband who “lovingly” turned to me and said, “Thank you for sacrificing your body.  Your boobs will never be the same, but I still love you, Soldier” I would have. a. cow.  And then I would kill him.  Which would suck because I’d be a single mother to a new baby and a cow, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

This Hump Day make your plans to celebrate Mother’s Day on Sunday.  Just don’t celebrate her “battle scars”.  Celebrate her awesomeness.

10 thoughts on “Hump Day: Mothers (and their battle scars) are awesome

  1. Monica says:

    Mothers are awesome. I’ve been tripping about what to get my mother for Mother’s Day because for the past 2 months every time I do ANYTHING nice to her she says, “Is this part of my Mother’s Day?” And I roll my eyes and sigh really heavily.

    I’ve settled on a journal and a couple of pairs of earrings. I recently bought her a new Bible, and and I’m graduating the day before, so I think I’m covered for this year 😀

    And if my partner (male or female) EVER referred to my body as a sacrifice for our children, I too would be a single mother with a dead partner, a cow and a new kid.

    I know what a horrible thing to say, right? Made me want to punch the author. And Mark. It was that bad.

    And you’re such a good daughter! You’re spoiling her and making the rest of us look bad, though. So cut it out 😀

  2. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    First, who is Monica from the above comment? She seems pretty awesome…and I don’t remember her from college. So if she’s reading… hi Monica. Can we be friends too? ha!! Second, Monica…ditto. Quit making the rest of us look bad! Way to be a good daughter but maybe this is reason # 1 million why I’m not the favorite child. Oh well.

    Moving on… Marie! I’ve totally been thinking about the same thing. (You and I are SO on the same brain wave. Scary…) I saw on tv last week (while I was at home dying from the flu), some husband saying the same thing about his wife. My thoughts were: 1. Yikes!!!!!, 2. What just happened here?, 3. Is it really that tramatic?, 4. Thomas is SO not allowed to witness our future children being born, 5. That sucks!, 6. Get over it dude! You wanted the kid as much as she did. Get over your self and don’t make your wife feel bad about her body. She just produced a miracle!, 7. Maybe we won’t have kids after all…, 8. What do guys think about c-sections?

    I seriously had all those ideas going through my head. I don’t have an answer and can’t ask Thomas because he obviously hasn’t been in this situation. I feel too weird asking my friend’s husbands about this. Really. ha! How does that conversation start? So… ___’s husband, what do you think about ____’s female anatomy now that she’s given birth? Do you have trouble in the bedroom now? wink, wink And so on. I don’t think so…

    Ok, so I am always thinking “I wish Candice would blog more”, but now I’m taking that wish off the table. I love your long, free-thinking comments way too much. You just lay it all out there. And I think I’m just going to make you a co-author on my blog. How about that? 😀

    And Monica is from… um…The Internet? I “know” her from places like I think that’s where we “met”, anyways. But she is awesome, isn’t she? Monica, meet Candice. Candice is one of my sorority sisters. She is also awesome. 🙂

    So, you’ve put lots of really great questions out there that I don’t *need* to know, but all of a sudden find myself really *wanting* to know. You’re right about it being weird asking friend’s husbands about their experience, but I’m going to have to say that adding the “wink, wink” totally makes it NOT awkward. Seriously, nice touch 😀

    I’m going to do some research, and get some MEN to get on here and answer these questions.

  3. Sam Davidson says:

    I don’t have any research or anecdotes to back any of this up (I’m not a dad, but I am a husband), but men get pretty fat(ter) after getting married and having children.

    I would by no means call a few extra lbs. ‘battle scars.’ More like ‘lazy marks.’ Anyway, referring to a woman’s body after giving birth with militaristic terms is absurd. Wholeheartedly absurd.

    All that to say, our bodies change as we age – period. (Unless we fork over the cash for plastic surgery.) And, we as people change as we age to. Spouses, then, ten years down the road can feel like they’re married to someone else – someone who looks and maybe even acts differently.

    And that’s the bigger issue – not what someone looks like, but who someone is.

    I’ll come back and comment again when I have a kid – whenever that is.

    Thanks for the beginning of male comments! And just like you pointed out in your marriage and grad school post, the person that we marry is constantly changing for many reasons and in many ways. We marry flowing rivers, not stagnant puddles. Can I get an ‘Amen’? 🙂

  4. Dorie Morgan says:

    Hahaha. We must have read the exact same thing. Which was so traumatizing for my husband that he decided that he is going to the bar when we have a baby and to call him when it is all over. Which really ticked me off at the time and I remember ranting like a lunatic about how if we were going to someday make a baby, he better be watching the whole production of labor.

    And I got so ticked off, I threw our book out.

    Hooray for battle scars. Battle scars are just signs you are living.

    We probably did read the same book! I’m like you, he better be in the room during the labor, but I’m not so sure if I want him at the “business end”, if you will. And that’s a great perspective about the battle scars, a sign of life. Love it!

  5. Bryan says:

    I’m in agreement with Sam and I am a Dad. I also think a lot of the reservations men have after child birth are subconscious which have nothing to do with how their spouse looks now.

    Our first dad! Woo hoo! I think you’re right about the really trippy part being more psychological than physical. And I think that’s what the question in the book was really about, how do I deal with how I relate to my wife now that she is a mother. Thanks for commenting!

  6. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Yippee!!! Co-author of the coolest blog ever!! Yippee!!

    I do think about my blog alot. I just don’t update it. I don’t want to do it while at work. Then when I get home from work, I don’t want to get on the computer. So that’s my problem. I do feel guilty when reading your blog though.

    Awesome for getting men to answer on here. Kudos to Sam Davidson. Thanks for the honest answers. I totally agree that you should love the person not necessarily the package/body. (Does that make sense? I don’t mean that perverted. It kind of sounds that way. Eww.) I sort of want to ask my husband what he thinks but am half way scared of his honest answers.

    Seriously, all your commenting makes you the best co-author EVER! Love you!

  7. The author’s comments make me want to open a vein – sometimes I just don’t understand the neanderthal thinking of other male life forms. My wife had two children from her first marriage and I can tell you that I found her attractive from the moment I met her – post children – and that the passion never cooled in the almost 22 years we were married and that included the time after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was there when she came out of surgery, and I went with to her every oncology appointment, and chemo and radiation therapy session. (OK. I was late for one appointment – I’m not perfect.) And I held her hand when she died and I miss her. I don’t know if this answers your questions, but the response from the husband in the book was disturbing to me as well.

    Way to make me cry, Dr.! Seriously, this entire comment is beautiful and so uplifting to know that there are so many men(you and all the other guys who’ve commented) that value their wives regardless of the presence of battle scars. Thanks for commenting!

  8. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    So this isn’t my blog…but I am commenting on everyone’s comments. (and I can’t quit!) I might need counseling Marie.

    Dr. John Drozdal, I am so glad that you commented. That makes me feel so much better! I’m sorry to hear about your late wife. It sounds like you two had a great marriage. You are great to be so supportive of her. I’ve only known men in your situation, to “duck and run” when their wife gets that diagnoses. Way to be a true man.

  9. Matt says:

    So, I’m not married (yet) and I don’t have any kids (yet) but I can still respect the heck out of this post. Our appearances are going to change, it is inevitable – but as we grow older, the relationship should become more beautiful, in more ways than one – but the appreciation and the love that is shared only builds over time – it should never stop building – relationships are about learning and growing and loving one another. At least that’s my hopeless romantic perspective on it.

    To Dr. John, you are the epitome of what it means to love unconditionally, how we should all love when we enter into a marriage, giving ourselves to the other person forever. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, but you are a shining example for people who don’t respect and appreciate what they have in front of them. You never know when the person you love the most won’t be there anymore – it sounds so cliche to say ‘cherish every moment’ but people say it time and time again for a reason, and it is a creed that should be followed, it’s a creed I need to be better at following myself. Thank you for sharing your story.

    So I’m getting the biggest kick out of hearing you guys talk about love growing and being about more than looks. It’s awesome. And I’m starting to think that soon being a blogger is going to become more important than having a nice car when it comes to dating 😀

  10. Monica says:

    @Secret Agent CT: We soo can be friends…


    @Marie: I totally exist only on the internet, Marie (facebook, blogging, twitter).

    LMAO! Find me everywhere search:Monica Carol Evans

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