Growing up my mom was kind of obsessed with the idea of me one day becoming a beauty queen. Unfortunately, there were many problems with this dream.
First, she never signed me up for any pageants. No pageants, no crown.
Second, I was (and still am) painfully shy. Like, people-always-asked-me-if-I-even-knew-how-to-speak-English shy.
Third, the only “beauty queen” quality I have is a set of straight teeth. And straight teeth do not win beauty pageants. Unless by “straight teeth” you mean boobs and a perky butt.
Fourth, and probably most important, no one could agree on which country I would represent at the Miss Universe pageant, the Philippines or the USA. Not being able to decide which national route I would take to the crown usually meant the idea would get tabled every year.
But not until I stood on the coffee table.
That’s right. Every year we would watch the Miss USA pageant and at the end, when the winner was crowned, my mom would insist I stand on the coffee table. And wave. Ya know, for practice.
I think my mom’s heart still breaks when she sees a tiara.
So when I did that video blog last week without putting makeup on/doing my hair/taking a shower, I had a feeling she was gonna be… pissed.
Me: Did you watch my video blog?
Me: Hello? Did you watch my video blog?
Mom: Of course I watched it!
Mom: It was good… I guess…
Me: You’re mad. Mad because I didn’t put on make up.
Mom: Or do your hair! Did you even take a shower?!
Me: Mom, it doesn’t matter. It’s video blogging. No one even watches this stuff. Chill out.
Mom: Marie, it was on THE INTERNET. Everyone watches THE INTERNET. What if… what if a beauty pageant judge watched it? They’d NEVER choose you.
Me: Mom, I don’t do pageants.
Mom: That’s not the point, Marie. The point is YOU SHOULD TAKE SHOWERS!
Yes, I guess that is the point. So from now on I will take a shower. Do my hair. Put makeup on.
And wear a tiara.
I bet Gary Vaynerchuck’s mom doesn’t yell at him for not taking showers…