Don’t worry, my resting heart rate will save you.

A few weeks ago I was in and out of Minute Clinics and doctor’s offices for a bladder infection that did not want to go away.  I hate bladder infections and I hate telling people that I have one because I can just feel them thinking that I obviously don’t know the correct way to wipe.  And I do know how to wipe.  I do.

All of these doctor visits meant that nurses needed my statistics:  weight, temperature, blood pressure, and heart rate.  I love when they take my heart rate because I am beyond proud of my resting heart rate. 

My resting heart rate is, like, 60.  That means I’m excellent.  And only a few beats from being athletic.  Athletic!?  Can you believe it?  Days when I take the stairs I’m positive someone HAS to be waiting at the top with a medal because surely doing this much work deserves a medal.  Or a tiara.  An athlete I am not.

But resting heart rates don’t lie, my friend. 

Every time I am reminded of this exquisite piece of machinery I call my body, I badger Mark about it…

Me:  So tell me again.  What does my amazing resting heart rate mean?

Mark:  It means that your body is efficient.

Me:  And 60 is excellent, right? 

Mark:  60 is really good.  And I bet it’s even lower since you’re supposed to measure it before you’ve even gotten out of bed.

Me:  You mean really I may be an ATHLETE?

MarkWhat?  It just means you have a big heart-

Me:  Filled with love.

Mark:  What are you talking about?  Listen, you’re like Lance Armstrong, ok?  Can we go to bed now?

I don’t know if you are familiar with Lance Armstrong, but he is a BEAST.  A SUPERHUMAN BEAST.  I turned over to resolve my feelings about having superpowers on my own since my mere mortal husband needed “sleep”.  Wimp.

My undeserved resting heart rate obviously meant that I had super powers, right?  I thought about all the superheros I know and how they handled it when they first found out about their powers.  But the only superhero I could think of was the little girl from Grey’s Anatomy who was having kids hit her in the stomach with baseball bats because her superpower was not feeling any pain.  Which is cool, but not as cool as having a resting heart rate of SIXTY and possibly being an ATHLETE.  Anyways, the little girl ends up having to have surgery to fix all the damage her fake superpowers did to her. 

Mark:  Marie, are you crying?  What’s wrong?

Me:  Please don’t let Dr. Burke operate on me to make my heart smaller and less efficient thus taking away my super powers!  Promise me!

Mark:  You have lost your mind.

Maybe so.  But I will not lose my super powers.

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8 thoughts on “Don’t worry, my resting heart rate will save you.

  1. Erica says:

    I understand. I have the amazing ability to hear both dog whistles, and electronic mosquito repellents. I can’t really hear when humans are speaking to me, but the idea of anyone tampering with my powers is upsetting.


    Isn’t it though? And what a cool hearing superpower! I’m thinking about doing a comic of all the people who comment on their own superpowers…except I can’t draw. Darn.

  2. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    LOL! Marie! You are not an athlete. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you the TRUTH but you are not an athlete. I do think your body has some sort of superpower like Lance Armstrong but it has to do some sort of other superhuman ability.

    I always feel pretty cool after leaving the doctor’s office because my blood pressure is always really good. I don’t know what that means but I’m pretty proud of it. (Almost as proud as I am of my naturally straight teeth. It’s a close 2nd.)


    Ha! You’re right, my heart rate will more than likely NOT be used to win ANY kind of race. And I don’t know what blood pressure means either, but I like it! Let’s face it, Secret Agent CT, we’re superheroes just waiting for our chance to shine 😀

  3. I too have a super power!!! I can find 4 leaf clovers! Seriously! Every single time I am outside I look down and see one. I have no idea how many I have ever found and I always just give them away because they mean nothing to me anymore!! Jeremy just rolls his eyes whenever I find one because it is just commonplace at our house! I love super powers. Oh, I also have really great blood pressure and I don’t even eat oatmeal!


    Ok, I hope everyone knows that I was joking about being a superhero but Rebekah is the real deal! An automatic 4 leaf clover finder?!? That’s serious stuff. You’re either a superhero or the child of fairies. I don’t know what that means, but it’s true.

    • lizam2m says:

      That’s totally a superpower! I remember when I was little and my parents had some friends over and I was outside with this lady and she was like, “I can find 4-leaf clovers really easily. Wanna see?” Of course I did. I was little and I totally wanted a magical and elusive 4-leaf clover. And she found it! And I was AMAZED! I spent SO MANY summers after that just STARING down at my front lawn. Nothing.

  4. pete wilson says:

    Hilarious!


    I made a pastor laugh. I’m going to hell. Heh. (just kidding. I know pastor’s are allowed to laugh.)

  5. Raven Moore says:

    This was so cute – now, it makes me think about my own super powers. Or, wishing to have them. Now that I think about it, would not getting pissed every time my BF leaves the seat up on the toilet qualify?


    Ha, yes, that’s called patience and I think it’s the rarest superpower of them all!

  6. Connie says:

    I found my superhuman powers in the dark last Monday night. I found that, in total darkness mind you, I have the power to leap down or fall down 3 steps hit a open door head on, then land on my hands and knees and not break any bones or even cracking my head open. Now I know superpower and believe me when I hit the door it was with superhuman force, and I have the black and blue evidence to prove it.


    I don’t want to laugh. I really don’t. But the image of you flying through a door is pretty hilarious! I hope you’re ok and yes, that’s definitely a superpower. Super Donkey? 🙂

  7. Liz says:

    I’ve been away for awhile and missed reading your blog! Am now forced to review all bladder infections I’ve had to see if I can remember anyone questioning my wiping technique… or even looking like they questioned it. Maybe if I could actually recall these details, it would be my superpower!


    Welcome back, Liz! Ha, if you have a memory like that I will definitely deem you a superwoman 😀

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