Everybody loves to do it

It was on mine and my mom’s mind pretty much the minute Mark and I decided to get married. No one spoke outloud about it because, well, it was a little rude. But I had a history. And if past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior? I was screwed.

A week before the wedding my mom pulled me aside. To talk.

Mom: Marie.

Me: Mom.

Mom: What are you going to do about… you know.

Me: I really haven’t thought about it… maybe it won’t be that big of a problem…

Mom: Marie! It is a huge problem! Don’t you remember Greece and Italy?

Ah, yes. Greece and Italy. The 10-day trip where I managed to avoid my biggest fear in the entire world. Going Numero Dos somewhere that is not my house. I can’t do it. And my mom knew that. I only got to speak to her once during that trip and the only thing she chanted the whole time we were on the phone was, “Poop, Marie, poop!”

But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. It wasn’t home, and I refused to subject myself to the potential embarrassment of someone finding out that I was… human.

Me: Yes, but I was half way across the world! I figure I’ll just stop by your house every day, and… you know.

Mom: Marie, that is not a plan.

But it was the best I could do. A week before marrying the person I wanted to share my everything with, and I was crafting elaborate schemes so that I could hide my disgusting habit of “releasing myself”.

The wedding came and went, and Mark and I were packing up to leave for the honeymoon. I hugged my mom goodbye and she whispered sternly into my ear, “Poop“.

I ignored her. I would poop when I got back. At their house. There was no way to convince me otherwise.

We made it to our honeymoon hotel and I plopped down on the bed disappointed that where we were staying did NOT look like the brochures.  Advertising lies.  Shocking.

As I started to complain about the bed, Mark walked past me, “I have got to go to the bathroom.”

Oh, no.  It was the first time since we’d arrived that I realized that no matter how much I may want to poop during our stay I would have to wait.  I would not have the luxury Mark obviously had of just going whenever I wanted.  I had promised myself.  No poop.  I began to mentally run through all the items I could and could not eat.

And then I heard Mark call out from the bathroom, “Everybody loves to poop.”

I honestly have no clue why he said that other than the fact that there IS a God.  And that God knows me.  He knows that one of my most favorite movie scenes of all time is in Billy Madison when the kid pees his pants and Adam Sandler pours water on himself and proclaims that “you ain’t cool unless you pee your pants”.

God was giving me the gift of my very own Billy Madison, championing my right to poop.  Everybody does love to poop, goshdarnit.  It’s practically THE American past time!

And so I pooped, and loved it.  And I was fully confident that this man had married me and all my crap, too!

If you are one of those people that thinks I’m “crazy”, I suggest you go read this.  The lady thinks her husband doesn’t know she poops because she runs the shower at the same time.  That’s either pure genius or pure crazy.  I’m still deciding.

6 thoughts on “Everybody loves to do it

  1. Lindsay "Wade" Clark says:

    Wow, Marie. I had no idea that is what you and your mother were talking about during every phone call you shared during our vacation… I totally laughed out loud while reading this blog…as I do most of yours. Hope all is well with you and your poop. Talk to you later. Keep making me laugh!

    Ha, the poop is going amazingly well, thanks for asking 😀 I’m glad to hear I was able to keep our convos a secret, you know, before I blasted out across THE INTERNET and all.

  2. Rebekah says:

    You have no idea how happy I am to hear that someone else has this problem….well I do know of one other person! Jeremy makes fun of me because I will literally make myself sick! At least you have the guts to admit it. I almost didn’t comment because I don’t want to talk about it “in public”!!

    Ha, this post has been tumbling around in my head since that day on our honeymoon, but I always thought, “There is no way that I could actually tell people that”. But I had a problem, and I needed to come clean even if it was just to help one other closet pooper like yourself 😀 We’re insane aren’t we?

  3. Chelsea Hurst says:

    Ha! I love it. It’s true, everyone does love to poop! Here was my post all about poop from back in March! http://rootsandrings.wordpress.com/2009/03/20/joining-the-movement/

    Hilarious! Apparently honeymoons aren’t made for pooping whether you want to or not 😀

  4. Monica Evans says:


    Boy, I’ve missed read this blog.

    I was sure that my GF didn’t know I pooped because I only poop right before I shower. I assumed that she thought I just took extra long to brush my teeth (boy I was surprised when she told me she was on to me)

    Is this a girl thing? I don’t think boys have this problem.

    Ha! I’ve only heard of a few guys with this problem. But I think you’re right that it does tend to be a girl thing. What’s really funny though is that any of us think that our poop matters to anyone else, ya know? Like, I never think about Mark’s poop, so why on earth would he care about mine, right?

  5. K says:

    Wow… I had no idea there were so many of us! Although for me it is so out of the question that I *CAN’T* do it when I’m away from home, even though I try!

  6. […] read this anyways. Which is probably for the best considering I’m not afraid to talk about my bowel movements so why would I shy away from talking about […]

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