Official Chigger Nurse says Shut Your Mouth

Things I’m loving about Mark going out and climbing rocks all the time:

1. He’s getting in shape.  I love watching him squirm as I beg for him to show me his abs.  You can tell he’s thinking, “For real?  You want me to lift up my shirt?  Or is this Marie being stupid?  It’s probably Marie being stupid.  I’m not going to do it.  But what if she’s for real…”

2. I get the bed to myself.  This may be horribly selfish of me, but I love having the bed to myself.  I once had a guy friend say that if he got married he’d like for his wife to think about having separate rooms, and just come together when “necessary”.  I thought he was a freak who didn’t understand love.  Or marriage.  Married people sleep in the same bed UNLESS the husband has proven himself to be jerk.  Then, and only then, does a couple have the right to sleep separately.  All my preconceived ideas of marital sleeping arrangements, however, are flying out the window as we speak because an unending supply of “cool spots” has got to be the best middle of the night present ever.

3. I get to miss him.  I’m probably addicted emotions, and this is going to sound so “emo”, but I love being sad.  And heartbroken.  There is something so earthy and human about feeling like your world is crumbling down around you because the person you love more than anything won’t answer your AIM messages.  I mean, can you even begin to comprehend the genius of Alanis Morissette if you haven’t been to the lowest of lows like that?  I think not.  One of the things I thought before walking down the aisle was, “Am I ever going to be gut wrenching sad again? I hope so.”  Freak.  I know.  Needless to say, marriage did not put an end to sadness or feelings of complete loneliness, and Mark’s occasional absence means that I get to get all weepy for no real reason.  It’s lovely.

There is a downside though.  And that downside’s name is Chiggers.

Eww, right?  Mark is eat up with chiggers AND he still wants to sleep in the same bed.  Seriously?  You want to endanger me, your darling wife, the mother of your cats, by bringing these beasts into our home?  Into our BED?  You have got be kidding me.

Other than the fact that I’m positive that I have chiggers now (I mean, can you even read this without getting itchy? Exactly.) I’ve been given the title of Official Chigger Nurse.  And let me tell you, this is not fun…

MarkScratch, scratch, scratch.

Marie:  Clear nail polish will help (except for the fact that it doesn’t, which I didn’t find out until I looked for a picture of the nasty little things).  Let me put some on you.

Mark:  No, I’m fine.  Scratch, scratch, scratch.

Marie:  Well, I’m not fine.  Your scratching is bothering the crap out of me, and it’s spreading all your chigger friends all over our house.  Give me your leg.

Mark: Fine.

Except Mark isn’t a good patient that lets the Official Chigger Nurse do her job in peace.  No, this patient has an opinion on everything…

Mark:  Don’t put so much nail polish on there.  You’re spreading it around too thin.  You dropped some!  OH MY GOODNESS A DROP OF CLEAR NAIL POLISH HAS LANDED ON THE COUCH!

Marie:  So?

Mark:  It will NEVER come out.  Nail polish does not come out.

Marie:  Then how, exactly, are we going to get you cleaned up from this clear nail polish sponge bath I’m giving you?

Mark:  …

Marie: Exactly.  Now shut up and let me focus on tending to your wounds…

Ok, so my bedside manner sucks.  But, seriously, you kinda lose all your rights to opinions once you bring bloodsucking vermin into our bedroom (unless, of course, it’s Edward Cullen… then we can talk…)

2 thoughts on “Official Chigger Nurse says Shut Your Mouth

  1. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    See!! You SO should have stayed at my house on Saturday night. LOL! You could have had a bed all to yourself…and it’s chigger free. 🙂 LOL

    Ha if I had known I probably would have stayed 😀 and mostly for the chigger-freeness.

  2. Michelle Ziegler Ashburn says:

    Jeff says the treatment for Chiggers is calamine lotion (with or without hydrocortisone) and Benadryl. He also says that “vigorous scrubbing with soap and water is necessary to remove the mites.” Insect repellant should be used “because prevention is the key” according to Dr. Ashburn.

    I also like having the bed to myself, but I hate to bed by myself. I like the time in the morning after he leaves. When is away at night, I usually spend most of the night on the couch.

    I am so glad I have a Dr. and his lawyer wife for friends 😀 We have taken your advice and gotten rid of the clear nail polish.

    I wish I got to stay in bed longer than Mark, that would be the best. But I have to be up at 6:30 😦 I think you’re right, though, the lonely part of going to bed alone cuts into the fun of a big bed all to yourself.

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