Diapers aren’t the only things stinky about babies

Mark has been studying the martial art of Wado-Ryu for the past 2 years, and this Saturday he got his green belt.  I am beyond proud of Mark for this accomplishment (which, in his world, isn’t an “accomplishment” as much as it is simply another step in the journey… whatever, Buddha).  He has gotten through The Dip of wanting to quit or thinking he’d never get his roundhouse kick down, and I’m so proud of him for that.

More than that I’m proud to be married to a ninja.  A rock climbing and songwriting ninja.  I’m in the middle of reading the third book in the Twilight series and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t fantasized about Ninja Mark coming in and destroying Edward AND Jacob with his superhuman green belt strength.  That’s right, Twilight Ladies, there’s a new team in town… Team Ninja Mark.  And I’m the captain.

Anyways, with any milestone in one’s life comes a challenge.  The opportunity to prove oneself.  And the only way I can explain the show down between Ninja Mark and the Stink Eye Baby…

I’m a big fan of babies that don’t belong to me, so I was understandably over the moon when I ended up sitting behind a family with a baby at church yesterday.  Not only would I get to interact with a baby, but if the sermon got boring I’d have someone to play with.  NOT that sermons ever get boring.  But just in case.

Another bonus was that babies are some of the best judges of beauty, and when they check you out stare at you then you know you’re pretty.  Babies are always staring at me, and I was sure this baby would be no different.  I was getting excited about the ego boost I was about to receive when I saw it…

The baby was giving me the STINK EYE.

I didn’t know babies could do that because I thought they were made of happiness and clouds. But I guess I was wrong.  Very wrong.

I was ready to begin licking my ego’s wounds and just be thankful no one had seen the Stink Eye when Mark leaned in to whisper…

“That baby just gave you the Stink Eye!”

Oh no!  He saw that?  He saw me get the Stink Eye?  Could this day get any worse?

Yes. Yes, it could.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered, “I’m going to give her the Stink Eye back!”


It’s one thing to get the Stink Eye from a baby, but what insane individual gives Stink Eye TO A BABY!?!?

“Don’t you dare-”

But I was too late.  The battle of Ninja Mark versus the Stink Eye Baby had begun…

Mark started doing his best impressions of The Rock and the Stink Eye Baby was obviously caught off-guard.  You could tell she was wondering, “What idiot Stink Eyes me? I’m a baby!”

And then she pulled out the equivalent of a roundhouse kick to the gut-

The Stink Eye Baby was going to cry. 

CRY!  In the middle of church!  When her mother turned around and saw that she was being embarrassed in the middle of worship because a GROWN NINJA WITH A GREEN BELT was making mean faces at her daughter she would probably destroy him.  I would have.

So I scootched a couple of inches away from Mark and wished I had a shirt that said “So NOT a part of this” , you know, for safety.

Except I forgot that Mark was a green belt now and had a few more moves up his sleeve.  A few goofy faces and a couple of rounds of peek-a-boo later the Stink Eye Baby was happy.  And giggling.  And staring lovingly at Ninja Mark. 

I was glad that the battle was over and Mark had won, and I’ll be getting Stink Eye Baby her Team Ninja Mark shirt next week.

4 thoughts on “Diapers aren’t the only things stinky about babies

  1. Chelsea says:

    HA! I love it. I can see a whole new line of Onsies!

    Sometimes I’m scared to sit behind babies in church because of that exact reason. If they cry, everyone is going to wonder what you did.

    I was thinking the same thing about the Onsies! That’d be really cool…who could I get to be baby models for me???

  2. Connie says:

    Baby’s are so much more fun if they belong to someone else I agree. That is why it is ( will be ) so much fun being a Grandmother ( gram ) than a Mom, more fun stuff less stinky to deal with. Do I have the baby in church stories I could tell, girl you would not believe some of the things my two did. But then with a Mom like me who loved to egg them on they preformed well and to the enjoyment of anyone sitting near. What a fun time we all had or at least one of us did and it was never Gary poor guy the things he had to live with.

    Ha, so you’re the reason Mark thinks it’s ok to talk in church! 😀 Seriously, I do my very best to be quiet and listen and at least look like I’m paying attention and Mark loves to whisper to me during the sermon (about the sermon, of course), and I’m like, “I hope you aren’t expecting me to answer you now because I’m NOT talking while the pastor is!”. It’s pretty funny to watch us in church together.

    And I’ve always said that I can’t wait to be a grandmother for exactly the reasons you said: more fun, less stinky 😀 Now that’s a shirt we’ll need to make for you… “Being a Gram – More fun, less stinky” 😀

  3. I don’t care how old you are. You give a stink-eye, you’re gonna get one back. Period.

    Ah, to be so sassy would be so wonderful!

  4. I’m glad that Mark gave the baby the stink eye. I just would have stuck my tongue out at it. I love being behind other people’s kids and making faces at them. If they start to cry, then you can just walk away or ignore them if you happen to be in church. (and I agree that they are the best)

    You are a hilarious story teller. Tell Mark congrats on his green belt!

    I will tell him! And I think Mark was thinking the same as you, “Ignore, ignore, ignore!” if the baby started crying. But my face would have had guilty written all over it. 😀

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