I found a place to stay that was across the street from the beach. My plan was to basically layout for as long as I possibly could and eat whatever I wanted. It was going to be a simple vacation.
Except it didn’t turn out that simple.
While laying out alone on the beach, a Sophia Loren wannabe walked up to my spot and sat down.
She was probably in her mid-fifties and had a thick accent.
“Are you here alone?” she asked with squinty eyes that gave the impression that I was being sized up.
Oh my goodness. I was going to die at the hands of Sophia Loren. She wanted to kill me and take my iPod. I was equal parts horrified and excited. Not everyone gets to make it on to an episode of 48 hours, you know.
“Um, kind of… but not really… I mean, I know people…” I said trying to make ‘people’ sound as much like Mafia connections as possible.
“Well, all these men you see?”
I looked around. There were lots of men walking around. Oh my goodness. I was going to be sold into a sex trade network. Crap.
“These men are here for a convention. A police officer convention. I am alone, too, and wanted to let you know we are very safe.”
“Oh. That’s great. I feel safer now. And I’ll, uh, let my people know that I’m safe here, too…” I wasn’t dropping the Mafia connections quite yet.
But she wasn’t paying attention to me anymore. She was now talking to a group of men walking down the beach. Just before I settled back into my tanning experience I was interrupted again.
“These men,” my new friend said, “have invited us to the police officer dance tonight. You must come with me.”
Us? There is no “us”! There is you, “crazy old lady”, and there is me, “paranoid twenty-something” but there is no Us.
“Oh, I can’t. I have to… um, eat. Alone. I mean, with my people.”
“No. You will come to the dance. With me. This man is interested in me. I have to go, but I cannot go alone.”
Her Sophia Loren lips must have mesmerized me because the next thing that came out of my mouth surprised both of us…
“Ok, what time are we meeting?”
It was done. I was now Sophia Loren’s wingman. What on earth was I doing?
We met on the pier that night and wandered around until she found her man. They danced while I sat alone wondering what looney bin my mom would take me to when she found out I was hanging out with strangers, by myself, near a place where they could easily dispose of my body.
Before long, however, Sophia Loren and her boyfriend were fixing me up with one of the young “police men” (who weren’t real police men, they were like forest police men… or something). He turned out to be a really sweet guy and we spent the rest of the evening walking around while he went on and on about how cute and smart and funny I was.
Yeah. I ate that crap up.
We made a date to meet at the pier the next morning so he could teach me how to fish. But I slept in. I did, however, run into Sophia Loren the next day where I asked how her and her new boyfriend were doing…
“He was not happy with just a kiss goodnight. He wanted more. I am not that kind of girl, you know.”
Yeah, Sophia, I’m sure you’re not.
So I’m sharing this story for many reasons…
1) Even I’m tired of hearing about Mark and I doing “experiments” on the cats by feeding them McDonald french fries.
2) Jamie Varon, you’re going to Italy and people keep telling you you’re going to come back married. I could have easily married the forest police man if I had not slept in. Keep that in mind.
3) Something special happened in Savannah this past weekend and I’m not going to say anything because it’s not my business, but let’s just say only good things happen there.
4) Um, hello, that story is about as close as I’m going to get to living out a romantic comedy. I had to share it.
What was your “Oh my gosh, am I in a movie right now?” moment?