Baa, baa black sheep

Context- My mom loves to clean. My mom desperately wants me to get pregnant. Or she used to anyways.

Mom: Why don’t you come over and hang out with us since Mark is out of town?

Me: Mom, I have lots of cleaning to do. I just don’t have the time today.

Mom: Cleaning? You’re cleaning? Can I help? I love cleaning.

Me: Yes, I know you lurve cleaning, but I’m not doing your kind of cleaning…

Mom: What does that mean? What’s “my kind of cleaning”?

Me: Your kind of cleaning involves vacuuming and mopping. I don’t do that. In all honesty, I meant that I was just going to put my laundry away…

Mom: Silence.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Why are you so dirty?

Me: I’m not-

Mom: Where did you learn this? Did I not BATHE you? Did you not grow up in a CLEAN home?

Me: Chill out, Dude…

Mom: I just don’t understand. Where did I go wrong?

Ok, so I don’t love cleaning. And a big reason that we have ants is because I think crumbs give the place character. But, geez. What’s with thisΒ “Where did she go wrong” business? Dude, I am HIGHLY EDUCATED. I’ve NEVER really DONE DRUGS. I go to church WITHOUT YOU TELLING ME TO. Lady, lots of people would say you went totally right.

But she sounded truly dejected by the realization that this whole “I hate taking showers” thing was not “just a stage”. So I did what I always did when I want my mom to smile. I told her we were “trying”. Yes, it’s a lie, but it’s a lie that makes her smile. I think God would understand.

Me: Mom, guess what? We’re going to start trying to have a baby!

Mom: No, don’t do that!

Me: What!?! You’re ALWAYS asking me about babies! You don’t want your grandkid?

Mom: No, I would feel too bad for that baby. Its mommy wouldn’t keep it clean. It would have dirty diapers and clothes. Oh that poor baby!

Me: I would change its diapers! What? Every two or three pees, right? That’s clean enough… right?

Mom:Β Silent rageΒ that I was even THINKING about not changing her imaginary grandchild regularly.

Me: I’m going to take that as a ‘no’…

I better find out where the Black Sheep sit at Thanksgiving…

9 thoughts on “Baa, baa black sheep

  1. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Lol!! Marie, you are too funny. I can’t wait to see your mom’s commment to this blog. I can’t believe that you lied to her about “trying”. That’s hysterical! The part that is even more funny is that now she is trying to talk you out of it. You are a genius!!

    PS. Went to Wilson County’s fair last night and tried to eat everything they offered except for the corn on the cob and turkey leg. (I really wanted the corn but couldn’t eat one more thing!) Bad idea! I was sick all night. So if you go to the fair, make sure that you use restraint!! πŸ™‚

    It was an unexpectedly brilliant move on my part πŸ˜€ I didn’t think she’d ever let go of the baby idea, but it looks like I’ve done it! I was thinking about going to the Wilson Co. Fair… when do you think it would be not so busy? Is there such a thing?

  2. Rebekah says:

    Marie!! I love this! I love “mom” stories. I am the exact opposite. My house is so clean my mom thinks I have OCD, or something else wrong with me.

    Ha! We should mom swap for a weekend :p

  3. Chelsea says:

    I love this! I’m not clean either. Well, I mean I shower and stuff, but my house isn’t clean. And my mom acts all “sigh… ” about it but she’s not clean either. She never taught me!

    Ha, I love the “my mom acts all ‘sigh…’ about it”! At least you have an excuse, though. My mom is all about cleaning. It’s her favorite sport.

  4. Connie says:

    OH Marie I think you and Mark are a match made in heaven, he is no neat freak either. One of the many thing he did not get from me, when he was little you could eat off my floors they were so clean. I slowly gave up the clean battle, you could still eat off my floors just depended on what you wanted to eat, Mac would of loved it he never misses a thing on the floor. I had
    a novel idea instead of having kids who make messes get a dog and you can skip mopping the floor they do it for you, or at least Mac tries, only thing is then you get to clean up the poo messes they make. Maybe a dog is not such a good idea.
    If you are taking votes, I am still in favor of kids a little dirt never hurt.

    I thought that the other day! I dropped something on the floor and thought, “Man, I wish we had a dog!” The cats will just bat it around the house. And your vote has been duly noted πŸ˜€ You’ll just have to convince your son!

  5. Akirah says:

    Hilarious! Are you really trying to have a baby? That’s exciting. Your mom sounds like mine…everytime she sees me with a ponytail and no makeup. Which is pretty much everytime she sees me.

    No, we’re not trying! Kinda funny, when I read your comment I was in the middle of texting Mark that we were in the clear this month πŸ˜€ My mom HATES my ponytail, too!

  6. Brilliant. I need to use this tactic with my mother. Deflect with nonsense and half-truths. Well done. Well done.

    Ha, thanks! It’s never worked so seamlessly before!

  7. Ohhhh how this post makes me feel normal again.

    The other night my husband and i went to go to bed when we realized that i had taken our one pair of sheets (the others were borrowed then never returned about a month ago) to wash them but didn’t get around to it, off the bed. when he went to go put the sheets back on the bed my inner mother influence came out and i said “ewww but those are *dirty* sheets (as in they hadn’t been washed in a week and a half)”.

    My husband’s response: “honey, *we* are dirty.”

    I sadly but whole heartedly agreed with tainted laughter, bowed my head and lovingly helped him put our dirty sheets back on the bed inside out until i was able to wash them this weekend. LOL

    I also agree, dogs are great mops.

    You’re supposed to wash your sheets?

    I’m just kidding. Mom, if you’re reading this, don’t have a heart attack. Please.

    That is too funny, though! I love your husband’s reminder πŸ˜€

  8. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    I would guess a weekday might be less busy for the fair. I’m sure Saturday night will be crazy. It’s really fun. I’m just sad that I didn’t get to ride any rides. 😦 That’s the best part!! I also love seeing all the animals there. They have camels this year!! You should go!

    I saw Gretchen Wilson with her daughter there last year.

    Oh, I’ve never been one to get into rides, so I think I’d be ok without that… but I love animals! We’ll probably check it out and try to meet a celeb πŸ˜€

  9. Elisa says:

    Haha, I am SO not a clean person. Like truly, I’m wading through a sea of (I think) clean clothes to get to my bed for the past week. I’m so in control and a little hyper-tensively crazy in most other aspects of my life, I think cleaning is just my “I’m too tired, have done too much stuff and need a cookie” activity. Used to be dishes, but I can even pound through those before straightening up. Sometimes…

    And my Mom, god love her, is very much the same way. Always “knowing” what’s best and “imparting” her wisdom. I know it’s cause she cares but sometimes I’m just like “Woman, let me live my life, dammit” (this is best imagined in a Cartman from South Park voice!) Fortunately being the failing spinster that I am at age 29 her visions of grandkids, dirty nappies or not, have fallen by the wayside and she’d just be happy if I went out on dates. πŸ™‚

    Your Cartman voice came through brilliantly πŸ˜€ And you are hardly a spinster! You’re an independent woman prowling around the local grocery store πŸ˜€

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: