Context- My mom loves to clean. My mom desperately wants me to get pregnant. Or she used to anyways.
Mom: Why don’t you come over and hang out with us since Mark is out of town?
Me: Mom, I have lots of cleaning to do. I just don’t have the time today.
Mom: Cleaning? You’re cleaning? Can I help? I love cleaning.
Me: Yes, I know you lurve cleaning, but I’m not doing your kind of cleaning…
Mom: What does that mean? What’s “my kind of cleaning”?
Me: Your kind of cleaning involves vacuuming and mopping. I don’t do that. In all honesty, I meant that I was just going to put my laundry away…
Mom: Why are you so dirty?
Me: I’m not-
Mom: Where did you learn this? Did I not BATHE you? Did you not grow up in a CLEAN home?
Me: Chill out, Dude…
Mom: I just don’t understand. Where did I go wrong?
Ok, so I don’t love cleaning. And a big reason that we have ants is because I think crumbs give the place character. But, geez. What’s with this “Where did she go wrong” business? Dude, I am HIGHLY EDUCATED. I’ve NEVER really DONE DRUGS. I go to church WITHOUT YOU TELLING ME TO. Lady, lots of people would say you went totally right.
But she sounded truly dejected by the realization that this whole “I hate taking showers” thing was not “just a stage”. So I did what I always did when I want my mom to smile. I told her we were “trying”. Yes, it’s a lie, but it’s a lie that makes her smile. I think God would understand.
Me: Mom, guess what? We’re going to start trying to have a baby!
Mom: No, don’t do that!
Me: What!?! You’re ALWAYS asking me about babies! You don’t want your grandkid?
Mom: No, I would feel too bad for that baby. Its mommy wouldn’t keep it clean. It would have dirty diapers and clothes. Oh that poor baby!
Me: I would change its diapers! What? Every two or three pees, right? That’s clean enough… right?
Mom: Silent rage that I was even THINKING about not changing her imaginary grandchild regularly.
Me: I’m going to take that as a ‘no’…
I better find out where the Black Sheep sit at Thanksgiving…