They should put a statue of me on top of the Capitol

If you read the comments of the last post you’d know that all that Yellow Tape commotion was because someone drove into the side of a building. Crazy, right?

Crazy and insightful. Because now that I know DC’s stress levels were off the charts I can MAYBE be a little more understanding as to why an EMPTY water bottle taken in to the Capitol Building’s Visitor Center would be such a serious matter…

The Day Marie Stood Up to the Government

“What’s that a statue of?” Michelle asked, pointing to the dome thing on the Capitol Building.

“I don’t know, but I bet it’s some Roman goddess watching over our Christian nation,” I said (and silently added, “And I bet Obama put it there”… can I get an ‘Amen’, Glenn?).

“Well, we’ll find out once we get inside, but we have to hurry. It’s already 9, and I’m not complaining, but our schedule DID say we’d be here at 8:30… not mad. Just saying.” That’s Shelly, and she had a schedule.

We walked past the Capitol building and talked about how if we lived here we’d be runners, because hello, this place is amazing! Who gets to take their morning jog past our country’s most amazing buildings? And we’d always take lunch on the steps of the Supreme Court building. And we’d ride the Metro alone. And not be scared.

Before we knew it we were at the entrance of the Capitol Building’s Visitor Center ready to take in our great country’s history in all her glory. And find out what that statue was sitting at the top of the dome thing.

But first we had to get in.

“Ladies, no food or drink is allowed inside,” said the security guard with a very mean mug. He was serious.

Shelly and I let him no that we did NOT have any food and drink and were ready to proceed, Sir, yes, Sir.

But Michelle. No, Michelle had to go and start trouble.

“I have this water bottle. This EMPTY water bottle.”

Oh, an EMPTY water bottle. That’s not food or drink. She wasn’t going to be as much trouble as I thought! I was ready to get to touring…

“Ma’am, you can NOT bring that inside,” said the mean-mugging security guard in a not nice way.


He told us ‘no’.

Did he not know that Michelle was the Valedictorian of Antioch High School’s Class of 2001? That Shelly was voted “Most Dependable”? That I refer to myself as a Carebear on my blog? Did he realize that he was being mean to THE GOOD KIDS?

More than that, this was not just a regular water bottle. It was a nice don’t-throw-away kind. Has the man never heard of being GREEN, dangit! AND IT WAS EMPTY.

Evidence A
Evidence A
“But, sir,” Michelle said very politely, “it’s empty.”

“I see that. And you can put it in one of those two receptacles.”

Receptacle. Also known as big word for TRASH CAN.

He wanted her to throw away her nice EMPTY water bottle. We couldn’t do this. We’d have to change our sight-seeing plans.

So we stepped aside.

If I were talking to you in person this is the point in the story where I would start showing you how far away we were from the security guards at this point. I’d say, “See that chair? The guards were there, and we were standing by that desk. That’s right. We were, like, 5 feet, no, 4 feet away from the guards when they…”


The security guards at the Capitol Building Visitor Center become a freakin’ comedy duo…

Mean-mugging guard:  (in a girly voice) But it’s EMPTY. (in his normal voice) I see that. So?

Other guard: Ha, ha, ha! Yeah! Who cares!

Mean-mugging guard:  I’m not blind, right? Man, people sure are…

Ok, I’m not going to say that he called us stupid, but I’m pretty sure that’s the point he was trying to make. It is at this point that I get mad. This mean guard has made a Carebear mad. I know, right?! You know the disgust you felt last night when Kanye was mean to the most famous Carebear in the world? Yeah, that’s the disgust you should have towards the mean security guards.

Because we GET rules. This particular group GETS rules better than most of America, in fact. AND we were not fighting that hard to get our empty water bottles in. We were simply disappointed because we didn’t want to throw the bottle away.

And then he made fun of us. With us standing THREE FEET AWAY. I’m probably the biggest proponent for making fun of people, but, please, have a little respect! At least wait until I can’t hear you!

So we walk all the way back to the sidewalk with Shelly and Michelle trying to rearrange our day.

“I’m mad. So mad. I want their… names. I want to turn their names in… to my Senator.”

Remember when you were in elementary school and the teacher would leave the room and she’d pick the most obedient student in the class to “take names” while she was gone? Well, I was almost always the most obedient student, but I was never picked because every teacher knew that Marie would never take a name. I was too nice and too afraid. What if people didn’t like me after I took their name? I always wanted to be a ballsy and brazen name-taker, but that was not my calling in life…

But that sunny Friday morning everything changed. I was going to take names… for my country.

I marched down to where the security guards stood.

“Excuse me,” I said assertively, “can I get your names?”

“Officer Can of Soup.”

“Officer Little Dude.”


Then my eyes found this…

I started silently cussing up a storm.

Police? Capitol (bleep) police? I thought you dudes were SECURITY GUARDS! Not (bleep) policemen! Policemen can shoot me! (Bleep)! Or arrest me! (Bleep) Mark is going to have to (bleep) come get me out of (bleep) jail! In (bleep) D.C.! BLEEP!

There was no turning back now.

“Well, Officer Sirs, I just want you to know that, well, the way you treated my friends and I was, um, really… mean.”

That’s right. I called the Officers mean. To their face.

Don’t mess with us.

Oh and the statue at the top stands for Freedom. Which I fought for.

Oh and the statue at the top stands for Freedom. Which I fight for.

*I didn’t want to make fun of the Capitol Police (can you bleeping believe that? POLICE!) on the anniversary of 9/11. Sorry for the delay.

And the Officers were super nice after I explained that I felt it was rude of them to make fun of us while we were there. They told Michelle to just hide her water bottle under the lining of the TRASH receptacle. This was great. But when we got done with the tour, someone went ahead and had thrown her bottle in the regular trash. Many signs point to Officer Can of Soup.


The fight for freedom is a long and hard one.

16 thoughts on “They should put a statue of me on top of the Capitol

  1. Shelly says:

    OMG! That was so funny. Love the “Can of Soup” name change.

    Ha, yeah, the name change thing was required. The last thing I needed was for him to actually find this and arrest me after the fact.

  2. Erica says:

    I’m a little confused. When did we become a Christian nation?

    Oh dear, I don’t think that joke translated well.

    I don’t think we’re a Christian nation. We’re a nation founded COMPLETELY on religious freedom. I just think it’s so funny that people always talk about how we’re this Christian nation (and I know that I have readers/family members going ballistic on me right now) when on top of our Capitol building is the statue of someone who is clearly NOT Jesus. Need to do better with the sarcasm. Noted 😀

  3. Well done. Funny story!


  4. Aaahaha…as always. Love your stories. I’ve got to hear you tell this in person on Thursday. 🙂

    Thanks, Krista, and I can’t wait to kettle bell with you on Thursday!

  5. Erica says:

    Ack! Sorry. I got super sensitive and totally passive-aggressive. Carry on. 🙂

    No problem! And when I re-read it I could easily see how it sounded like I was being serious. It’s ALL good.

  6. Elisa says:

    Umm…I’m a little appalled that this happened. Seriously, I understand the irritation of dealing with people all day long but that kinda isn’t acceptable.

    It’s good that they were a bit better after you explained to them that they are essentially the Capitol Police version of the most loathed man in America currently (seriously, I think people forgot about everyone else they hate for the brief moment that Kanye destroyed that poor little Anglo-Saxon angel’s dreams.) But truly, I’m saddened and quite disappointed. I know it wasn’t waterboarding or anything like that, but it still sucks.

    Kudos for you though for daring to call them on it! Standing up for yourself like that, I bet Mark would have been happy to bail you out. Ok, probably not happy, but at least in admiration. 🙂

    I KNOW! It really was appalling. Or at the very least completely uncalled for. A few days later we were at the Holocaust Museum where the guy in front of us was trying to smuggle in a BIG pocket knife. Those guards were super respectful and nice about the entire situation and he was trying to get a KNIFE into the Holocaust Museum. I am happy to say that their attitude was not representative of the DC police community AT ALL. The majority of them were super nice, friendly, helpful, and respectful. Thanks for understanding the rage.

  7. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    You so should have told them that one of you was pregnant! lol You can get away with almost anything if you are pregnant! Or, I would have gone outside the building and put the bottle at the bottom of my bag. Then told officer tweedle dee and officer tweedle dum that I threw it away outside. Losers… are there not bigger problems for “police” to worry about than people carrying around empty water bottles? Really?

    I probably would have gone up to them mid discussion and been a real you-know-what. I would’ve been like “this is really how it went down…” Then finished it off by saying “Officer tweedle dee is a total loser. He thinks he is so cool because he gets to wear a badge and tell people to throw away empty water bottles. Wow. He is so tough. He went to school for how long to do this?”

    Trust me, the “someone’s pregnant” thought passed through our heads many times! Ha! And it would have been helpful to have you along. You’re feisty 😀

  8. You will not believe this! My professor has offered us extra credit if we come to class with the name of the statue that is on top of the Capitol. It is a Native American Indian with a name. The subject came up in class today…I don’t even remember how.

    How weird! I don’t think I ever realized it was a statue at the top until I went. I always thought it was just a spikey thing or something. Even funnier? I still don’t know her name!

  9. Monica says:

    I agree with Secret Agent CT and I promise to use that excuse all the time. Telling people that you’re pregnant is a great way to get by with stuff.

    I’m pissed that they made fun of you guys while you were standing there. I mean, the bottle was empty. WTH did they think you were going to do with it? Those bottle are not cheap, I would have hid mine in my purse or something.

    And good for you for standing up for yourselves and telling the big mean po-po’s that they were wrong.

    And I love your silent cursing. hee hee

    And oh, the statute on top of the building is me in my bathrobe. Clinton commissioned it.

    Keep the stories coming!

    “Clinton commissioned it.” Had me dying laughing! And you’re so fabulous I almost believed you 😀

  10. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    It takes quite a bit to get me ticked off…but someone being mean to the sweetest carebear that I personally know! Whew…someone better get the garden hose and cool me down! lol 🙂

    If only Monica and I had been there

    You’re so sweet 😀

  11. Monica says:

    Yeah! If only CT and I were there…we would have went to jail, lol!


  12. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Oh yeah! Jail! Yikes…that’s when I would’ve broken out the “but, but, but I’m pregnant” excuse!! 🙂 lol

    You two are absolutely hilarious. And I would insist that you guys be released, or at least be given internet access, because without you two I’d have no comments on my blog! 😀

  13. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Thanks for the request for Moncia and me to have internet access! lol… Note to self, use phone call to call Marie…

  14. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    oops Monica

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