Mark: Man, this toilet paper is awesome!
Me: You like it? I don’t like it.
Mark: Really? It’s way better than that recycled stuff we were using before.
Me: This new toilet paper is too… nice.
Mark: And that’s a problem because…
Me: Because you shouldn’t think “Wow, this is really nice stuff” while you’re wiping. You should think “Man, this stuff sucks. I can’t wait to flush it down the toilet”.
Mark: You are so weird.
But seriously. Why would you want to like your toilet paper when it’s just going to down the toilet? Why get attached? I mean, first you’re admiring its awesomeness and then you’re doing the most degrading thing you can do to any object. It’s just wrong on so many levels.
*I will be starting a toilet paper company soon where our tagline will be, “So terrible I can’t wait to flush!” Be on the lookout, Alice.