$25 application fee required

I never did an inspiration board for my wedding. If I did do an inspiration board for my wedding, the wedding I really wanted but didn’t get, it would look like this…

The marriage of a #1 to a #12 (with sweet and sour sauce). What God has joined together let no man separate. Amen.

Alas, my mom killed that idea.

I think inspiration boards are cool for when you’re deciding how to celebrate your love. Not for finding your love.

Let me introduce you to my brother.

He has the antlers on.

This is Bobby. I’m not saying that antler head bands and ugly Christmas sweaters are a part of his regular wardrobe, but I’m also not saying they aren’t.

When he graduated college I asked him one thing on a near daily basis, “When are you going to get a job?”

He has a job.

I now have a new question.

“When are you going to get a woman?”

I want a baby this Christmas and I’m not interested in childbirth. I’d love for him to knock someone up.

My mom is flipping out that I even wrote that last sentence. Sorry, Momma Bear.

Well, this weekend I decided that I wanted to help my brother out. Ya know, figure out what kind of woman he wanted. Help him clarify what exactly I should be praying for.

“What kind of woman do you want?” I asked.

“Hm. I don’t know. I want a brunette…”

My brother wanted a brunette? My brother? There is a God. Nothing against blondes. But that’s all this kid has ever been attracted to. I needed to know what was up.

You? You want a brunette? You know that brunette means brown hair, right?”

“Yeah. With a fair complexion. Dark hair. Fair skin. And light colored eyes. Like… Rachel McAdams. You know, that color scheme.

Oh. Hellz. Noez.

My brother did not just inspiration board his potential forever mate by color scheme, did he? Oh, yes, he did.

Personality, Bobby. You pick people based on personality. Not color schemes. You idiot. What kind of personality are you looking for?”

“Um, girl?”


At least I don’t have to wonder why he’s single anymore. Shallow loser.

All that said, I’m taking applications for my future sister-in-love. Know any single ladies interested in pairing up with a sweet guy who watches The Bachelor and once asked a girl on a date simply because he wanted to watch Kate & Leopold?

Tan blondes need not apply.

12 thoughts on “$25 application fee required

  1. Rebecca says:

    Tan blondes need not apply.

    Hahaha. Love it.

    Rachel McAdam’s color scheme has to include her awesome personality, I’d say. No (brunette) woman is that pretty without character.

    Oh, she’s just flat out gorgeous, right? You’re right that to be her kind of pretty HAS to have an awesome personality. And don’t think I didn’t think about you when he started talking about dark hair and fair skin. Minus Ryan and living in Madison, I was pretty sure I had my brother his first blind date 🙂

  2. Akirah says:

    That’s hilarious.

    I’d ask if you were interested, but I know you’re on a hiatus right now 😀 My biological clock is ticking, though, so my brother needs to get on it with the baby making

  3. Michelle Ziegler Ashburn says:

    I know a Brunette with light colored eyes. She comes with a baby. The cutest baby I have ever seen. So, no need to knock someone up in a hurry.

    I know she’s a winner in my book! Argh, I don’t know why it’s so hard to get those two together. Why do they insist on resisting the commands of their older siblings?

  4. Angelia says:

    Chicken Nuggets married to a Big Mac? Can I be a bridesmaid?

    Anywho..good luck on finding a sis-in-law and a baby.

    I have recently semi-adopted my nephew and this does the trick. It’s awesome-I call up, say “Hey, can I steal your son?” which is promptly followed by “Does the sun set in the west?!?!” and BOOM-baby fix. Then…THEN…when he gets crazy I can call and say “Come get this bucket-o-snot: He’s leaking from every hole.”

    “He’s leaking from every hole.”

    That’s what she said.

    Heh. And of course you can be a bridesmaid. We’ll have french fry bouquets you can munch on during the ceremony 🙂

  5. Rebekah says:

    If you ever need a “baby fix”, I rent Josiah out for nominal fee. If you’re interested, I can throw his brothers in for free. I promise you will return them after about an hour. 🙂 However, having kids makes for a good excuse to eat McDonald’s frequently. 🙂

    You are too funny! And the next time you guys have a mommy date at McDonald’s PLEASE invite me. I’ve been cut off 😦

  6. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    Dang it!! My sister is blonde and blue eyes. No match. I really would like those two to get together!

    You are welcome to borrow Macie anytime. You’ll promptly return her, I’m sure!! 🙂 lol

    Oh, that would be fun to set them up but I’m afraid Brother would bore her to death :p Seriously, we should see if we could make some magic there…

    And if I borrowed Macie I’d have to restrain myself from eating her up. Those cheeks!

  7. Mrs. Smith says:


    Right? You have a sister, too, don’t you…

    My blog will quickly become The Bachelor for my brother if I’m not careful.

  8. Elisa says:

    What an interesting idea, inspiration boarding your future mate.

    Ugh…now I’m also thinking of water boarding, which I think is due in part to the fact I was trying to think of a potential future mate.

    All that aside how old is your brother? I know you want to get the baby making train out of the station ASAP but if he JUST graduated does he need some time to play in the color schemes before he settles down on a personality scheme?

    As for “Tan blondes need not apply” I heart you so much I want to hug and shake you senseless because I literally LOLed. 🙂

    I kept thinking of water boarding, too!

    And Bobby is 25 and he’s had his “big boy” job for, like, a year or something. I think he’s ready for a woman because I’m ready for a niece/nephew. That’s sound logic, right?

    I thought my brunette sisters would appreciate my “exclusion” :p

  9. Brother says:

    …does not approve of this blog.

    Well, I’m pretty sure this is the most action you’ve seen in, like, years. So, you’re welcome.

    • Secret Agent "CT" says:

      Bobby – come on! How many people actually get a blog to help them find love/future baby mama? 🙂

      You know you want to date my sister! Just one date? If you do date my sister, please don’t have babies with her. She’s too young for all that!!

  10. BT says:

    uh why didn’t you point out who had the best looking attire in that pic?

    Also you could of marketed bobby a little better than this if you were serious. Maybe one of his cereal pictures would be better instead of antlers.

  11. Matt Earls says:

    This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. Quality work, but work that must be done nonetheless. The man has been single for far too long.

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