830 days too late

I try not to blog about bedroom conversations because there are some things that I do consider sacred. Believe it or not.

However, I just read something that made it imperative that I share just a nugget of bedroom chatter from a few days ago…

Mark: No, the dog can’t sleep in the bed. He’ll move around all night, and you already move around too much.

Me: I move around too much?

Mark: Yeah, you’re very twitchy. You twitch a lot in your sleep. It wakes me up.

Me: Have I always twitched?

Mark: No,  but it might be because of our mattress.


Now, I did not try to get him to call me twitchy. I promise. If anything, I was leading him down New Mattress Lane. I also did not argue with him because I had noticed that I was having a lot of those dreams where you wake up because in your dream you’re climbing up stairs and then you realize that you’re trying to do the same thing in real life. Just asleep. And laying in bed. And surprisingly embarrassing.

Anyways, I still don’t have a new mattress, but I did read this today

Sometimes I get the itch to go out for a drink thinking I might miss meeting the woman of my dreams, but then I realize the woman of my dreams isn’t at a bar at 12:36 on a Wednesday morning. No, the woman of my dreams is asleep in bed with her lame boyfriend she’s only now beginning to see is lame. Nice enough guy, but no passion or curiosity. It was cute when he called her babe at first but now it’s just lazy and distant sounding. The woman of my dreams just twitched in her sleep because I mentioned her. The woman of my dreams is not usually twitchy. The woman of my dreams likes Family Guy but doesn’t LOVE Family Guy. The woman of my dreams will engage in conversations that don’t necessarily cater to her in exchange for my moving quickly through the shop talk. The woman of my dreams has to be up at 7am. Maybe the woman of my dreams is at the gym, not the bar. I better get to bed.

This is from John Mayer’s tumblr. I love John Mayer. Love him. Like, I would probably not leave Mark for him anymore, but I would have had no problem the day before he proposed because, like Mark always says, “Everything’s fair game until there’s a ring”.

And in this post John Mayer describes his dream woman. And holey moley


See, I’ve even made a checklist:

If I may draw your attention to a few important points:

  • I did not check “asleep in bed w/ lame boyfriend”. Because a) Mark is no longer my boyfriend and b) he is not lame.
  • The twitching thing? Um, hello. Read above. IT’S ME.
  • “Likes Family Guy but doesn’t LOVE Family Guy”. I kid you not when I tell you I was watching Family Guy last night because eh, there’s nothing else on so why not. Is that not exactly what he’s talking about?
  • Ok the one about engaging in convos that don’t cater to her blah, blah, blah seemed a little douchebaggy (which is what John is known for), but I do listen to more than my fair share of “shop talk” and I do so with a smile on my face. And the only thing I expect to be catered is dinner. From McDonald’s, please.
  • Up at 7 am? Try 6:30, Beech.
  • MAYBE at the gym. MAYBE is the key word here. Maybe. And this one is not impossible. I do, indeed, have a gym membership.

So yeah, I did a little math and it looks like John is approximately 830 days too late. I’m totally the one that John Mayer let get away.

Poor guy.

5 thoughts on “830 days too late

  1. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    You are WAYYYYY too good for John Mayer. He’s a creep. You should thank Mark for saving you from that!

  2. I must confess, I am not a reader of your blog, but after this post, I know I should be. I LOVE JM also…and this post cracked me up! Loveit!

  3. You are fabulous. Never stop writing!

  4. Susan says:

    I was the one Johnny Depp let get away, and I think his recent move to Nashville proves it.

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