My Baby Will Cut You

I had my first “Mark and Marie’s Baby” dream last night.

I’ve only had one other baby dream during this pregnancy, but I don’t know that the baby was necessarily mine. I was holding 2 babies, one very cute and one very notsomuch. I don’t think either of them were mine, but I refused to let the cute baby go because, um, well who really wants an ugly baby?

I am fully aware that my vanity has probably now cursed me with an ugly child, but I’m just trying to keep it real.

Last night I had my first, “Here, Marie, this is your baby. Take it home and make sure it doesn’t die” dream.

And it was horrible.

The baby was a girl. Whose face was frozen in a mean mug that told me she had just spent 10 years in the penitentiary. This little girl scared me.

Not only was she pissed about something, but she was hungry. But she didn’t really cry. She just gave me looks that said, “I’m going to cut you if you don’t get me some damn food, Woman.”

Very rude, Crazy Pissed Off Dream Baby. Very rude.

So, in my dream I’m supposed to be feeding this new little baby that terrifies me.  I do what any new mother would do, I propped her up in the corner of a chair and held a bottle out to her in the same way that I’d probably hold a bottle out to a hungry alligator. Basically, I wasn’t getting near Crazy Pissed Off Dream Baby.

Then my mom shows up. And it all goes to crap…

Mom: Why aren’t you holding her? She can’t sit up yet.

Me: No, um, this is how they’re doing it now. The doctors told me to do it this way.

Mom: That’s not right. Pick your baby up.

Me: Have you looked at her eyes? She’s crazy!

Mom: Did you wash her clothes? She’s already dirty. How did she already get dirty? Are you sure you don’t want me to adopt her?

Me: No, you can’t adopt my baby. Just…check her for weapons first. Then I’ll pick her up.

The rest of the dream turns into a blur of fighting to keep a baby that I don’t really want because I’m pretty sure she’s going to kill me and destroy my credit score through identity theft but I have to fight for her because that’s, ya know, the Christian thing to do.

The other Christian thing to do? Pray. Specifically. For a baby with a good attitude. Or at least one that’s got time off for good behavior.

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3 thoughts on “My Baby Will Cut You

  1. Tabitha says:

    Did she have a teardrop tattoo?

    Your baby’s going to be adorable. And Auntie Tabitha is going to make it a hat.

  2. Elisa says:

    A) Hahahahhahaa (yeah, that was pretty much me reading this whole post)
    B) There’s a sales technique called “Ugly Baby”. Basically, you never discredit another competitors products, cause you don’t know if your clients likes/uses/worships them. Best way to think about it. When you see an ugly baby in a stroller, you can’t say “Wow, that’s an ugly baby!” Instead you have to offer platitudes of other good qualities the kid has lurking about.

    Cause let me tell you…you think your baby will cut you? Try telling a woman her baby is ugly and see what happens!

  3. secret agent ct says:

    Having an ugly baby was a huge fear of mine. I used to pray that my unborn child would have more of my family genes than her daddy’s. (Terrible, I know. What can I say? I wanted my daughter to look like me!) Then bday happens. I had briefly seen my child but couldn’t remember what she looked like really. (I was seriously drugged.) Anyway, I asked my mom who the baby looked like. She said “oh, I think both of you.” So I was fine with that and was trying to rest. Some point later, they bring my baby to me, and I realize she is my husband’s twin. Next time my mom came in the room, I drew her to me and immediately told her she lied to me! Not cool Meme. I just gave you a grandchild and you lie to me first thing? Oh, well. I love my baby more than imaginable and think she is adorable. Moral of the story…you will love your baby and I don’t think a mother ever thinks her child is ugly. 🙂

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