A few months after finding out I was pregnant I put out an offer to babysit on Facebook. If you’re ever feeling lonely and like no one ever comments or messages you on Facebook I would highly suggest posting the same offer to your own friends because nothing says “There is a God” to parents like the words “free babysitting”. People I didn’t even know had kids were commenting on my status offering their children up for my
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know how to interpret so many parents’ desperate attempts at escape (are kids really that bad that you’d let me watch them?), but I went ahead and messaged each and every one to let them know that I was very serious about my offer. Yes. Marie was being serious. Shocker.
Not as big of a shocker? Only one of those parents seriously took me up on my offer.
The lovely Miranda was willing to let me try my hand at parenting, but I think that was only because I threw free lumpia into the deal.
So on a Friday night Miranda and her domestic partner, James, headed out for a night on the town and left Toddler C with me.
Well, they tried to leave Toddler C with me, but Toddler C had a different idea. Namely to cry bloody murder in an effort to express his complete and utter fear of being left alone. With me. And just to be real? Toddler C was RIGHT. If it wouldn’t have completely freaked Miranda out I so would have cried with him because what on earth did I know about keeping children, ya know, alive?
I felt his pain.
This whole thing went down in, like, October so I don’t remember the details of how Miranda and James
escaped left, but I do remember the feeling in my gut when the door shut and it was just me and Lungs of Steel McGee. Alone. For, like, hours.
See, Toddler C is a boy. Very boy. And not only was he upset that he was left alone with me, but I had no clue how to relate to him because I never played boy games. Even with a little brother only 17 months behind me, I always managed to quickly turn his boy games into my girl games (“Oh, of course we can play ‘Slay the Dragon’, but first the dragon slayer needs to go to school. Now sit down, I need to do roll call…”).
Not only did I feel the overwhelming responsibility to keep Toddler C alive long enough for his parents to get home, but also to entertain him. The pressure was getting to be too much and I was seconds away from joining Toddler C in Howl Fest 2010 when I got an idea…
“Hey, Toddler C, I think there is a monster in the kitchen…”
Now you might be thinking that telling a 2 year old that just watched his parents potentially abandon him for all eternity that a monster was in the kitchen was possibly the stupidest babysitting move of all time, but you’d be wrong. Very wrong.
“Yeah, there’s definitely a monster in the kitchen.”
Toddler C quit crying and looked curiously towards the kitchen.
“Can you see him? Because if you can see him I’m going to need you to destroy him, ok? Do you think you can do that?”
Toddler C nodded solemnly, grabbed one of his many toy swords and walked towards the kitchen ready to take care of business.
Such a brave little guy.
And, yes, I am a genius.
We spent the rest of the night creeping up on various monsters in various parts of the house in order to eliminate the world from these horrible monsters. Because, sure, Toddler C wasn’t sure if his parents were ever coming back*, but he was a toddler on a mission. A mission to save the world.
*Miranda and James did, in fact, return much to Toddler C’s (and my) relief.