Me: This is going to be a hilarious blog…
Mark: You can’t blog this.
Me: What? Why not? This is the stuff mommy blogs are made of!
Mark: It’s going to make us look like idiots. No.
Me: Seriously. You think I care if we look like idiots? It comes with new parent territory.
Mark: Just. don’t.
In light of this new censorship, I’d like to share a little piece of fiction I’ve been working on. It’s the story of two new parents. Clark and Clarice. And their baby Clovis.
Clark and Clarice had been home for less than 24 hours with their new bundle of joy, Clovis. They had no clue what they were doing. None. At all. Like, their knowledge of babies consisted primarily of Stewie from The Family Guy.
Needless to say, Clark and Clarice (and Clovis) were scared. Very scared.
Right after feeding Clovis Clarice sat him upright to burp him because BABIES CAN’T EVEN BURP ON THEIR OWN. I know, right?
As soon as Clovis sat up he started… spewing. A stream of milky white liquid poured out of his cute baby mouth.
Marie started screaming. I mean, Clarice started screaming.
Clarice: Clark! Clark! He’s throwing up. HE’S THROWING UP! What are we supposed to do?!?
Clark: I think it’s ok. He looks ok. That was a lot of throw up though. Maybe just feed him again…
Clarice: Are you SURE this is normal? I don’t think this is normal. I think we need to go to the doctor.
Clark: Just. calm. down. He’s fine. Just feed him again. Look, he’s hungry.
Clovis: (looking around for a boob)
Clarice fed him again. Lifted him up for burping again. And then he spewed. Again.
Clarice: CALL SOMEBODY!
Clark: Ok, ok. Calm down. Who should I call?
Clarice grabbed a book that they had gotten from the hospital that had lists of various phone numbers one may need while raising a child. She glanced through their options for help and decided they should call the Tennessee Parent Hotline. It was a Saturday, and she figured a hotline was their best bet before having to call 911.
Clarice: Here, call this number. And ask them what to do when your baby is throwing up white stuff after eating.
Clark on phone: Hello? The Crisis Hotline? Well, I don’t think it’s a crisis, but maybe you can help. We have a new baby and he threw up. We think. It looks like milk. But he’s done it twice. What are we supposed to do? (listens to answer) Oh, ok. Well, thank you.
Clarice: (Packing and getting ready to go to the ER) We suck at parenting. We suck at parenting. What did they say? Is he going to make it? WHAT DID THEY SAY, MAN?!?
Clark: Well, if he really is vomiting she said we should go to the emergency room. But she thinks it sounds like he’s just spitting up. Either way, you gave me the Tennessee Parent Crisis number and they don’t deal with this kind of stuff. They deal with… crises. And I guess spitting up isn’t one.
Clarice: Maybe not to them… Well. what’s this spit up you speak of? Don’t worry. Hand me my computer. I’m Googling it…
And that, my friends, is the story of how Clark and Clarice almost went to the emergency room over spit up.