Mark: You know what would be good?
Mark never suggests things that I think would be fun. Normally, questions like “You know what would be good?” end with Star Trek marathons or a power point presentation on how a piston engine works.
Mark: Ice cream.
Me: Wait, what? That really is a good idea. I’ll go get some!
So off I went at 9 o’clock at night for some ice cream, relieved that there were no sci-fi marathons in my future. Life was pretty stinking good.
On the way to my car, I saw this come out from around the bushes…
A big, black wolf/dog WITHOUT A LEASH was standing between me and my car.
You can just use your imagine on the amount and type of curse words that came flying out of my mouth.
I’m not afraid of dogs. I like dogs. I just don’t like dogs that are roaming this earth without an owner. Those dogs scare the crud out of me.
Which is why I ran back to the apartment like a virgin in a horror film.
Me: Mark, help! THERE’S A WOLF OUTSIDE!
You know how when you’re watching a horror film the person getting chased always turns around and you’re yelling at the tv “Quit turning around, you idiot!”
Well, I turned around. Because I needed to know how close
Jaws the wolf the big dog was. And it was smart to do so BECAUSE THE WOLF FOLLOWED ME.
He stood at the bottom of the stairs
waiting to eat me. And I can honestly say I almost started crying.
I ran into the house, slammed the door shut behind me, and between pants to catch my breath I told Mark what happened.
Me: There’s a dog pant pant outside. He tried to eat me pant pant and he might be a wolf. No, pant pant I’m 99% sure it’s a wolf. We can’t leave the house pant pant ever again pant pant.
Mark: Hold on, Otis. Daddy has to go take care of mommy.
Mark walked out to the deck and saw the dog standing in the bushes again (waiting to attack me, I’m sure).
Mark: Dog! Go away! Go home!
And the dog trots off.
Mark: Ok, he’s gone. You can go get the ice cream.
Me: You seriously want me to go out there? Where that dog, I mean WOLF, is still walking around? WITHOUT A LEASH!
Mark: It’s fine. It’s a German Shepard. He won’t hurt you. And see that lady walking over there? He’ll eat her first anyways. Go get the ice cream.
This man had no problem sacrificing me FOR ICE CREAM. Apparently, as long as any robber or rapists bring a carton of Chunky Monkey they’ll be in the clear with Mark.
The saddest part of the whole thing? I went and got the ice cream.
Because not even this guy will keep me away from Ben & Jerry’s.