A couple of weeks ago, Otis and I were having a run-of-the-mill tickle fight. All of a sudden Otis gets very serious.
Otis: Mommy hurt?
Me: No, Mommy’s not hurt. Mommy is laughing.
Otis: Mommy toe hurt.
And he lifts up my foot for a closer inspection. What on earth was he looking at? So I start looking, too. I see that the bottom of my foot is red. Like I had been bleeding? But there was no blood. Just redness. But my foot felt fine. To me it looked like I was bleeding internally, and the blood was pooling in the bottom of my foot.
My diagnosis? Death. I just knew it. What else could it be?
Tears start to well up in my eyes, and I grab Otis’s face with both of my hands and stare into his big brown eyes.
Me: I love you, Little Man. Mommy isn’t going to be here forever, but please never forget that I love you.
Just so you’re aware, approximately 3 minutes have passed between Otis pointing out my symptom and me planning out my funeral.
We go downstairs and I let him watch Youtube while I figure out what is happening to my body by calling Dr. Google. Because you know how well that works for me.
I google all kinds of things trying to figure out what it is:
“Red foot no blood”
“Red foot no pain no blood”
“Can you die from a red foot”
Google has no idea what I’m talking about.
So I do the next best thing. I send my mom a Facebook message of a picture of my foot:
Me: Mom, what is this? My foot is red. Am I dying?
I get a phone call from a pretty pissed Filipina.
Mom: What are you doing? What is that? Have you gone to the doctor? Go to the doctor.DO NOT DIAGNOSE YOURSELF ANYMORE, MARIE.
She gives me her doctor’s name because, duh, I don’t have anyone, and she makes me give them a call.
I call the doctor and explain what’s going on.
Me: Hi. I need to make an appointment. My foot is red, and I don’t know why. It might be blood? But I’m not hurting.
Dr. Office: Are you a new patient?
Dr. Office: We can get you in next Tuesday.
Me: So you’re not worried about my foot? You think I’ll make it to next Tuesday? Sure. Put me down, I guess.
Dr. Office: Great.
So I had an appointment for my possibly-not-an-emergency-but-still-could-be-an-emergency situation.
Do I really need to tell you what my mom thought about this?
Mom: Marie! You have to see someone NOW! Go to one of those clinics.
Me: You want me to go to Walgreens for my red foot? It doesn’t really hurt, and the doctor’s office didn’t seem concerned –
Mom: MARIE YOU MIGHT BE DYING GO TO THE DOCTOR. PLEASE!
I agreed to go to a minute clinic the first thing in the morning mostly so I could get off the phone.
I don’t really know why I did what I did next, but I did it.
I took a baby wipe to my foot. What would happen if I rubbed it just a little bit?
Holy stuffing. It was coming off! My medical mystery was coming off, slowly but surely, with a baby wipe. What on earth kind of disease was this?
Soon after my baby wipe discovery Mark came home. Can we talk the next time we have lunch or coffee about how I literally think I’m dying and I have not once thought to call my beloved husband? Yeah…
Me: Mark, my foot is red. I don’t know what it is. But it came off, at least some of it did, with this baby wipe. I might be dying.
Mark, being a very concerned husband, checks his own feet. Ah, the sweet nurturing love of a spouse.
Mark: I have it on my feet, too…
It was a plague! We need to get Otis out of the house stat.
Mark: Do you think there’s something in the bathtub? Maybe like a fungus? I’m going to go clean it.
Mark leaves me to die while he bleaches the bathtub. At least some chores were getting done BEFORE WE DIED.
Since it looked like we were goners no matter how we cut it, Otis and I bounced and headed for the park while Mark stayed home to clean. While at the park I get a text from Mark letting me know that he found red footprints in the kitchen. It seems I stepped in a bit of spilled barbecue sauce and got it all over the kitchen floor…
Basically, I am now a person who is such a bad housekeeper she almost went to the doctor because of it.
But, hey, it did get the hubs to clean the bathroom so there’s always that!