How to Bake a Pizza with a Broken Oven

 

Last spring I broke our oven. Yes. I broke it. I used it for something (first mistake), left it on ALL NIGHT LONG, was woken up by the smoke alarm at 2 in the morning, turn oven off, and it’s never worked correctly since. I think the thermostat went kaput (because that’s what happens when an oven is left on for 14 hours) so it would heat up fine, but you couldn’t tell it to warm up to 350 degrees and it stop. Nope, our oven was like, “Please. You’re an idiot and ruined your only tool for controlling me. I’m gonna just keep getting hotter and hotter and hotter. And you can’t do anything about it. Muahahahaha!”

This is why I hate cooking. Even my oven hates me.
beautiful kitchen

The oven that hates me.

Anyways, my oven’s hate didn’t stop my family from needing food. pizza in package

The food my family needed.

So I thought this would be a great time to do a little kitchen tutorial in case you find yourself in the predicament of needing to feed your family a nutritious meal (store brand pizza!) with appliances that hate you (boo hiss, oven).

Step 1 – Get your equipment
For most any pizza you need a pan. Or something metal-ish to put the pizza on. Unless you aren’t supposed to put metal in ovens… or is that microwaves? Just do what you probably already do.

Here’s our pizza pan. Like cast iron pieces, I find that not washing things that go in the oven to be helpful because of seasoning and things like that. Ok. Fine. I just don’t wash our pizza pan every time. Sue me.

pizza pan

And now a gratuitous food shot for the foodies in the crowd (looking at you, Betty Becca and A la Mode).

pizza

Step 2 – Get your bake on
This is where it took some trial and error, but we finally perfected it. Since our oven just got hotter and hotter without any limits it required me to remember lots of math and equations about parabolas and how high field goal kickers kicked things to figure out how to actually bake the pizza. In the end it turned out that you let the oven go on with its bad self for 8 minutes (set a timer), then you turn off the oven for 5 minutes (set a timer), turn it back on for another 5 minutes (SET THE TIMER, MARIE), and then take the pizza out.

During those 18 minutes you will get to experience this range of toddler emotions:

happy kid

Yay! I love being mommy’s helper.

unhappy kid

What do you mean I can’t get in the oven? Dictator.

mind numb

Caillou. Caillou. Caillou. 

dishwasher

But I want to help you load the dishwasher! But I only want to touch the knives.
LET ME PLAY WITH KNIVES.

give in

I knew she’d give in. She always gives in. Muahahaha.

Step 3 – Enjoy pizza
After all of the blood, sweat, and fake 3-year old tears you’ll get to indulge in this:

cooked pizza

Delicious, right? Perfectly cooked even if your oven and your child are out to stop all of your attempts at being a good mother. Muhahahaha, Beaches.

eating baby
Yeah, whatever, Mom. Get me a drink, would ya?

Update!
Fun, miraculous, God-sized update! Our oven works. And we have no clue why. None. We were going to just live like this, but all of a sudden the red, thermostat light thing went off and it seems like it’s getting to the set temperature. Miracles will never cease!

Poor Mom Wisdom: Work with what you got, and what you got will work out.

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2 thoughts on “How to Bake a Pizza with a Broken Oven

  1. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    I am so proud of you for cooking that pizza in a broken/might be working oven. I would have just gone to pick one up at Papa Johns, or a $5 pizza from Little Caesars. (Plus breadsticks! yum…Little Caesars breadsticks!) Defeat in its finest!

    That pizza actually looks good! (Frozen and cooked)

    Little M is the EXACT same kid as Otis! She goes straight for the knives when I unload the dishwasher. Then immediately will grab them sharp part with her hand or try to lick it. Ugh! I have to unload the dishwasher like it’s a covert operation. If she catches me, I have close the dishwasher like nothing was every going on. lol! It’s crazy. I am glad to know that I am not the only one loading/unloading dishes with a knife stealing ninja! 😉

    I just gave away an oven a few months ago. I wish I knew that you needed one! You could have had it.

  2. […] billion eyeballs at the sweet old lady sharing this thought while your kid has a tantrum because you won’t let him play in the oven. Obviously, us Millenials have all of this figured out, and I am sure it will be completely fine […]

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