Down the Drain

Our drains have been under performing for about 6 months. You could take a 5 minute long shower and be standing in water up to your ankles.

I’ll be honest, there’s plenty of things around our house that need my attention. I could, well, clean. Or cook dinner. But, no, that will have to wait. These drains? These drains were a priority.

A few months ago I decided that I would do a thing I saw on Pinterest where you pour all sorts of boiling hot cleaning agents down the drain. I ran up and down the stairs a couple of times carrying pots full of boiling water and yelling about how this clog didn’t stand a chance against me and my vinegar and baking soda concoctions.

I poured, like, 3 pots of boiling water down the drain and was sure that I would fix this very important problem.

But, like the Seahawks on Super Bowl Sunday, I was sadly defeated due to insanely poor judgement.

See, I tried to fix my drain problem with boiling water except boiling water doesn’t deal with the large amounts of hair stuck in our drain. This is similar to Pete Carroll trying to get a touchdown by throwing the ball WHEN HE SHOULD HAVE GONE INTO BEAST MODE AND I KNEW THAT SO I’M NOT COMPLETELY SURE WHY HE DIDN’T BECAUSE OMG THEY ARE DUMB.


I needed to deal with the hair. In the drain. And even that sentence makes me all:

I hate hair in the shower. Mark likes to point out that it is my hair, but the minute hair is no longer attached to my head I’m completely disgusted by it.

But if I wanted clear drains then I would need to clear out the hair in the same way that if Pete Carroll wanted a touchdown HE WOULD NEED TO GIVE THE BALL TO MARSHAWN LYNCH.

I digress.

I get to work on the drains. First, I needed a screwdriver because our drains have a screw in them? I never noticed this before and even though my husband has a bajillion tools I couldn’t find the screwdriver so I used a butter knife. Basically the same thing.

Here’s where this gets gross.

I pull out the screw and there’s just all this hair wrapped around the screw. SO MUCH HAIR. And I was basically like:

And then I realized that I was going to have to TOUCH THE HAIR:

But I did it because I wasn’t going to let the drain win the way Pete Carroll let the Patriots win.

And I can’t even tell you how I got all of the hair off of that screw because I truly believe that I have PTSD because of this and have blocked the details from my memory. (Probably the same way Pete Carroll has blocked Super Bowl 49 from his memory.)

I get all of the hair off the screw and out of the drain, and do you know what? Do you know? The drain worked beautifully.

I immediately thought this would make a great post for The Poor Mom because I’m pretty sure that Rich Mom doesn’t clean hair from her drains because she has people. I am poor, and do not have people. I clean my own hair from my own drains.

After a few days of bragging almost non-stop about my victory (something Pete Carroll knows nothing about), Mark said the words that weren’t supposed to be spoken:

“You know, you’re probably the first person to disassemble that drain. I bet there was hair from the previous owner on there-”

And I was all:

Because I thought that already. I knew that. But I wouldn’t let myself believe it because if I believed that I had in any way interacted with a stranger’s hair I wouldn’t have clean drains (just like Pete Carroll does not have a new Super Bowl ring).

“SHUT UP! All of that hair was mine and only mine and if you say that disgusting thing again I will murder you. We have clean drains now and you can simply say, ‘Thank you, Marie. You are the best woman on this planet and I worship you.’ That’s all you can ever say to me ever. Got it?”

Mark is a brilliant man and he shut up.

Until a few days ago.

I don’t remember what he said, but it was something about soggy hair in drains. And I started gagging and covering my ears and begging him to stop, and he made a very astute observation:

“You know the way you feel about drains is EXACTLY how men feel when y’all talk about your periods. If you quit talking about your period, I’ll stop talking about soggy hair in drains. Deal?”

And that is the story of the Great Period/Drain Hair Treaty of 2015.

2 thoughts on “Down the Drain

  1. Secret Agent "CT" says:

    I think I am going to throw up now. Hair in drains and puke…the 2 worst subjects on the planet. Ugh…Glad lunch was hours ago. yuck, yuck, yuck! I think you are super woman for doing this!! This is a task that my husband unwillingly does for us and then talks nonstop about it. It is beyond gross. I’m extremely thankful for him taking care of this problem for our family!

  2. […] felt bad about not playing with Otis. If I was playing with Otis I felt bad about the drains. If I cleaned the drains I felt about not emailing a friend back. It was an unending circle of guilt and gnashing of […]

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