Jesus take the pants

Tuesday I get an email from Channel 4. They want to know if we, Mark and I, would like to be on their midday show to talk about marriage and whatnot.

I’m not going to lie. The timing is a little… weird. See, Mark and I recently decided not to take on any more new marriage coaching clients because I have learned a lot about myself over the past 6 months and being fully self-employed does not make me a better and healthier person for many reasons. We’ve been happily and successfully transitioning back into a lifestyle we absolutely adore.

And then we get this email. Which feels like a ‘sign.’ It feels like maybe we called it “quits” too early. Except it doesn’t.

I think it’s like when you break up with someone, but you are only 99% sure you should have broken up. Then they come hanging around again and you have this choice about whether you want to jump back on that boat or wave goodbye from the dock?

Well, I (the key decision maker on this particular play), was basically like:

Because I really don’t want to go back to the self-employed lifestyle. I am not disciplined enough to say, “Marie, you have to work today” or “Marie, you’re still in your pajamas. It’s been a week.” And then I felt guilty nearly 24/7 because of all the things I should be doing. If I was working I felt bad about not playing with Otis. If I was playing with Otis I felt bad about the drains. If I cleaned the drains I felt about not emailing a friend back. It was an unending circle of guilt and gnashing of teeth.

So we added a little bit of schedule back to our world, and it’s awesome.

Back to the email from Channel 4. The timing was weird because, well, if God wanted this to happen, why now? Why after we’ve made moves in a direction that seems to be going away from the whole marriage coaching gig?

While appearing on More at Midday wasn’t necessarily going to make us rich and famous, it helped me clearly see how OK I was with not solely pursuing the coaching gig. I am mildly obsessed with making sure my outsides match my insides, so this was a huge relief.

But we still had a question to answer: Did we want to be on tv?

Not really. Because we weren’t completely sure what the point would be, or what we would talk about. But since we didn’t do anything to make it happen I couldn’t help but think that it was an opportunity created by God. And I don’t want to miss any of those so I was like:

And Mark went along for the ride because he loves me and would do anything for me.

But then he started having doubts.

“What are we talking about on this show?”

“Are you sure I know about those topics? I don’t think I know about those things.”

“Do you want to do this by yourself?”

“I think you should do this by yourself.”

I was kinda thinking that I should do it by myself, too. And not because I don’t think Mark would be great during an interview (heck, he’d be a million times better than me!), but because he was right. Mark’s great with plenty of time to dig into a topic and teach, but providing soundbites for how to spice up your Valentine’s Day? That wasn’t really his thing.

So just like that I had become a solo act:

Then things got real because I needed to figure some stuff out. Namely, how do you lose 35 pounds in 2 days?


Well, I had (miraculously) already dyed my grays that weekend AND wrangled my eyebrows into shape.

(Aside: I went to pick up the mail on Monday feeling like a million dollars because the hair was dark and I had 2 separate eyebrows, but kind of sad because who on earth would notice such small changes? So when the post office guy says, “You look different,” I immediately start blabbing, “Is it my hair? It was ALL gray last week but I dyed it. Can you really tell?” “No, I don’t think that’s it.” “What about my eyebrows? I plucked them so that they aren’t growing together. Is that what you noticed?” “Um, I don’t think so…” “I bought new lipstick. Is that it?” “Oh! I know! Your hair is down. It’s normally in a ponytail, right? Yeah, that’s what it is.” So I basically revealed ALL OF MY BEAUTY SECRETS TO A MOSTLY STRANGER BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT IN PUBLIC.)

The only thing left to deal with was what to wear. And I did not want to deal with that question because I hate shopping and I especially hate shopping for pants which I have, like, 2 pairs of and no-More at Midday-appropriate pants because I thought wearing jeans would be a no-no and it totally was not a no-no but whatever. So I put finding new pants off as long as I possibly could. Like, I put it off until 6 AM this morning. And do you know the only thing open at 6 am on a Friday morning?


Yeah. I went to Wal-Mart right before my big television debut to find a pair of black pants. And if my mom is reading this she’s basically like:

Here’s the kicker (because shopping at Wal-Mart isn’t enough): I couldn’t try them on. The sign at Wal-Mart said the dressing rooms were closed.

I was going to have to guess what size I was in Wal-Mart black pants.

I’m not joking. That was when the prayers started getting real.

“Jesus. I need you. I need you to tell me exactly which pants to buy because I have run out of time and options and I need you. Amen.”

And I picked up a pair of pants and walked out with confidence. (After paying, of course.) (We aren’t that poor.) (Yet.)

I got to the office and the pants? They fit. Perfectly. Maybe a little too long, but to be fair I didn’t give Jesus much to work with. Seriously, I felt like I was in that movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

And they really did make me brave! Like, the whole time I’m driving to the studio I was like, “Jesus found you pants at the last minute in Wal-Mart. You are going to be ok, Marie. He’s got this.”

And He did got this because the time at the studio was amazing. I met Dr. Snodgrass (he is hilarious) and BooMama (also hilarious and sweet and unknowingly played the role of Guardian Angel because she reassured me it would all be ok), and we talked about how men need respect in a marriage which kinda became our jam this year so, again, feeling very reassured that this is all going to be ok because He got this.

Then I got mic’d up (is that the lingo?) and sat down with Kacy Hagerty (possibly the sweetest woman on earth) to talk about spicing up a married Valentine’s Day and tips for a happy marriage (oh, yeah, we ended up filming 2 segments because why not?). Also, I refused to look into the camera and stared at Kacy the entire time because I was terrified of looking like this to the viewing audience:

The end.

You can check out the Valentine’s Day segment (with the God-given Wal-Mart pants) here. But you don’t have to. No, seriously, if no one talks about this ever again that would be fine with me. I just want to document that this whole thing was scary and I believe that God was there the whole time. Showing up in the pants. Giving me clarity that I have made a really good decision. And that He’s got this. He really does.

Also, before you worry that my new celebrity status will change me, I just want you to know that I had to change the kitty litter last night just like a mortal. So yeah. None of this has gone to my head at all.


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