The Poor Mom

During our premarital counseling Mark and I were given tons of material to read.  Tons.  Especially on the topic of sex.  We read everything from theology of sexuality to graphs comparing how a man gets aroused (like a microwave) to how a woman gets aroused (like a crockpot). 

For information junkies like Mark and myself, this was heaven.

Until I got to the “Questions from Men” chapter in one of the books.  This book was written by a Christian couple, and in this particular chapter the husband was answering various questions that men have about sexuality.  I don’t remember the exact question, but it had something to do with the man feeling weird about having sex with his wife since she’d given birth.  He felt like her body was, like, a holy place or something. Like I said, kinda foggy on details.

The answer, however, has been seared in my mind.  Forever.  The author answered with this gem (and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find our books),

It is hard to see a woman in the same light after she has given birth.  First of all, there are the obvious physical changes that occur.  Her breasts and hips are no longer the same.  You may not have the same desire for her body anymore, and this is normal.  Instead, look at her body with admiration.  Like a soldier with battle scars, she has sacrificed her body to give you children.

Ahem.  I’m sorry, Author Dude, is your book supposed to help people stay together?  Because I’m pretty sure that if I was a woman who just spent any amount of time pushing a CHILD out of my body and had a husband who “lovingly” turned to me and said, “Thank you for sacrificing your body.  Your boobs will never be the same, but I still love you, Soldier” I would have. a. cow.  And then I would kill him.  Which would suck because I’d be a single mother to a new baby and a cow, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

This Hump Day make your plans to celebrate Mother’s Day on Sunday.  Just don’t celebrate her “battle scars”.  Celebrate her awesomeness.

“So I was telling him that I wasn’t feeling very attractive because I kept seeing pictures of all these beautiful airbrushed models.  Seriously, who looks like that?” asked my friend at dinner one night.

“And then do you know what he says?  He says, ‘Don’t worry.  Y’all are different kinds of hot, but you’re hotter.’  WHAT?! Was that supposed to make me feel BETTER or something?”

There is some guy out there reading this (“Hi, Greg!”) and  wondering “I… I don’t get it… he said she was hotter.  Isn’t that a good thing?”

Yes, a good thing in a “logical” sense.  Not in an “emotional” sense.  In an emotional sense that sentence got interpreted as “You’re decent, but the only reason I’m with you is because I can’t be with one of those hot magazine girls. I don’t care if it’s airbrushed. Get me a beer.”

The worst part about this is that women are the gatekeepers of the sex.  But due to our “craziness” sometimes we aren’t gatekeepers as much as Soup Nazis, cruelly and arbitrarily deciding who gets soup.  And who doesn’t.

It isn’t fair, but here are some tips on how to keep your lady from going Soup Nazi on you in the bedroom:

Don’t even kind of hint that she isn’t THE most beautiful person you’ve EVER seen.
We know we aren’t as pretty as Jessica Alba.  We get it.  The better job you do of helping us forget this “fact” (without the use of alcohol) the better your chance of getting a bowl of soup.

Say something smart or funny
All girls want to be with someone who is either smart or funny.  Informal research says that these qualities are even more important than money.  Even during a recession.  That’s big.  When you say something smart or make us laugh we think, “Wow, I did a great job picking this one!”  We will celebrate our selection with a bowl of soup. Go brush up on your Latin.

Give her money
Ok, not literally.  That would be illegal.  But if you’re rich and you said something stupid reminding us how much money you have wouldn’t be the worst move you could make.  I mean, dude, we’re in a recession.  Don’t be afraid to use your resources. Buy us a great pair of shoes to go with that cup of soup.

Women are crazy.  Crazy and powerful.

Enjoy all the soup you can this Hump Day!

News!
I am officially introducing the Nashville Marriage Studio Blog to you here.  And I have an Earth Day celebrating video blog up here.   I trust you’re as excited as I am.

Confession time.  Mark and I don’t recycle.  Anything.  The most “eco friendly” thing I’ve done all year is buy toilet paper that claims to be made from recycled products.  And the only reason I did that was so I could tell Mark that all we had in the bathroom was “used toilet paper”.  Because that’s funny in my world.

So I stumped myself when I decided to write about how to make Hump Day “green”.  I stumped myself because I have no clue.  You may wonder why I just don’t just change my topic.  After all, it’s my blog and I am master of my domain, right?  But that would be just too darn easy.

And I’m not easy.

I now present you with how to go “green” in the bedroom:

Recycle Condoms
Google it.  At work.  I dare you.  Seriously, there’s not tons you can do to get rid of condom waste responsibly.  Use lamb skin condoms if you can.  They are biodegradable.  But don’t use them if you’re worried about STDs.  And I would go a step further and say just don’t have sex if you’re worried you might get an STD from your bedmate.  Otherwise, wrap it up  in used toilet paper and toss it out.  But that’s more about being a considerate person than being “eco friendly”…

Recycle Magazines
I hate magazines and the airbrushed beautiful people that populate them.  I don’t think there is anything more dangerous to a woman’s self-esteem than staring at pictures of “real” people that no real person will ever look like.  Ever.  When women feel crappy about their bodies they feel crappy in bed.  Take those pages of unrealistic beauty and throw them in the trash can!  I mean, recycle them.  Throw them in the recycling can. Gosh. I suck at Earth Day.

Go Biking Instead of Parking
Some of you might like to get your Hump Day on in a vehicle, i.e. “go parking”.  This is perfectly appropriate Earth Day behavior if you’re driving a Prius or a Hummer Hybrid, but not if you’re in a regular old gas guzzler.  Take your luvah out on a tandem bike ride and doing your making out on it.  Sure it isn’t “comfortable” or “private”, but going “green” is all about sacrifice.  Deal.

*Make It a Date – Bonus from Secret Agent CT in the comment section
Great sex happens as the result of a great connection.  Emotional foreplay, if you will.  Great connections happen on great dates.  Why not turn recycling into your next date night activity?  Spend time bonding over sorting through garbage and marinate in the fact that your relationship SAVES THE PLANET.  Rumor has it that Brad and Angie recycled on their second date.  First date activity?  They adopted Africa.
Thanks for the tip, CT!

Making love with Earth is not just for the Hippies anymore.  Happy Earth/Hump Day!

I have never been good at playing pranks on April Fools Day.  I giggle way too much, and start apologizing before the joke has even been executed.  Original Pranksta, I am not.

However, that has not stopped me from coming up with a list of April Fools pranks to play during Nookie.  Because, really, there should probably be a lot more laughter in the bedroom…

1. Sexily suggest tying him up.  He’ll love it.  Then put in your Gilmore Girls dvd and enjoy with a (literally) captive audience.  A sock in the mouth is suggested to muffle the man whining.
2. Fake an orgasm when he holds your hand.  He’ll be confused at first, but after a while (yes, keep going) he’ll catch on that the hand holding is what’s causing this amazing pleasure for you.  When he starts getting into the hand holding (ya know, squeezing your hand, light touching, massaging, etc.) yell “April Fools!” or “Idiot!”, whichever is more appropriate.
3. Fake an orgasm when she gets you a beer.  She’ll probably roll her eyes, but hey, you got a beer!
4. This one is going to take packets of ketchup.  Touch him enough that he’s so lost in the experience his eyes close then squirt ketchup on your hands and start screaming.  You’re going for a freak out similar to this guy:
   
5. Ok, so none of these pranks are very good (refer to paragraph 1, sentence 3), so #5 is an oldie but a goodie.  Saran wrap over the toilet bowl.  Who doesn’t love a good “you peed on the floor” prank?

Good luck on all your April Fools pranks!

When Mark and I got married we received a wedding card that actually stood out, which is dang near impossible to do.  In the card the man wrote, “I hope you two are as happy as my wife and I”. 

This stuck out to me because when I got married I heard far more “You’re not going to be in love forever” advice than “This is the best decision of your life” advice.  Which is sad.

This man had a reputation for loving his wife.  A reputation, People.  There was plenty to admire about this man, but loving his wife the way he did somehow stood out above pretty much anything else.

His wife passed away yesterday.  There are the obvious reasons to be sad.  However, I’m finding myself focusing on their wisdom.  Their wisdom to appreciate the relationship that God had gifted to them.  He had given them this relationship and they enjoyed it to the absolute fullest.

Before we begin to wail “Why don’t I have that kind of love in my life!” I would challenge you to be wise enough to see each of the relationships in your life as a personal gift from God.  More than likely, you have been blessed with an abundance of loving, wonderful people in your life and you just haven’t had the wisdom to be thankful for them.

Enjoy the gift of relationship that God has given us, and make all kinds of love today.  Send an E-card.  Give a hug.  Squeeze her hand and say ‘I love you’.  Buy your kid’s favorite ice cream for dessert tonight.  Tell your employer thank you.  Tell your boss thank you.  Call your Starbuck’s barista by her name.  Ask someone how their day is going and care about the answer.  Pray for someone.  Pray with someone.  Make love.

Be wise.  Make love.

God told Adam and Eve to eat from any tree they would like.  Except for one.  Where do you think they took their new friend Snake to lunch that day?  Forbidden Fruit & Co., of course!

Tell your sixteen year old daughter to stay away from guys with long hair, and you shouldn’t be surprised when Heavy Metal Harry shows up at your doorstep.

Put a velvet rope and a bouncer in front of the entrance to Wal-Mart and people will be clamoring for a chance to buy their favorite Made in China item.

We get all Liz Lemon “I want to go to there” as soon as we hear that seductive “No”.  Simply put, people want what they can’t have.

Logic would say that the best way to get someone to want you is to put all your goodies up for show.  Start handing your stuff out like the little old sample ladies at Sam’s Club.

But Logic is wrong.  Very, very wrong.

Cover your goodies up!  Put your goodies in a private VIP room in the back of the club.  Make ’em go through, like, 7 velvet ropes before they can even be in the same vicinity as your goodies.

The less accessible your goodies are the more he’ll want them.  Am I saying “Be a tease”?  Yeah, I guess so.  Isn’t this advice from that idiotic book The Rules?  Umm, yeah.  Page 143.

Fine, the advice is “old-fashioned”.  But it’s marketing genius.  Lower supply and create demand.  Duh.

So put on a turtleneck.

(None of this advice applies to people with a really good set of goodies.  If you have a great pair of goodies flaunt them.  Those things don’t last forever.)

One of my very favorite songs is that one about liking pina coladas and getting stuck in the rain. The guy answers a personal ad because he has become “tired of his lady”.

Oh, no he di’int!

And then we find out he is answering his lady’s ad.

Er… oh, no she di’int?

I love this song because every time it gets to the end, even though I know exactly where it is going, I feel surprised. And confused. Who am I mad at here? The guy for answering the ad? Or the lady for putting an ad up? That’s great neither of you are into yoga, but I think we have a bigger problem here.  YOU WERE ABOUT TO DO IT WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  Not cool.

I’m thinking about this because I read about a website that introduces people in committed relationships to other committed people for the purposes of an affair.  I’ve been waiting patiently for an outcry from the Holy Protectors of Marriage, but they must be busy with something really important.   

I’m all about freedom to do whatever you want on Hump Day.  However, if you’ve promised to spend your Hump Days with one person, you really better talk to them about it when you decide you’re ready for some variety. 

The fascinating thing about affairs is that it isn’t really about the affair.  Infidelity is just so emotionally overwhelming.  An affair blinds us to the fact that it is actually a small symptom of a very systemic problem.  What’s even more interesting is that, in my opinion, most of us are very susceptible to having an affair. 

Emily Brown wrote a book that breaks down the different types of affairs, and the environments that allow them to exist:
Continue reading →

“The only time that you can be 100% sure that a guy is not lying to you is right after he’s had sex.  There is a 5 minute window of absolute honesty,” said a guy whose name I can’t remember for the life of me.

“How are you so sure he’s honest after sex?”

“Because for those 5 short minutes he is not interested in sex, and has no reason to lie.”

“Brilliant,” I whispered in awe of his wisdom.

I’ve asked many a male for an opinion on this theory.  Most smirk because at least one part is true, the only time guys aren’t interested in hooking up is immediately after doing the Naked Boogie Woogie.  None would comment on whether their honesty was affected.  Or effected.  Whatever.

I think the level of male honesty goes way up.  We lie to impress people.  Specifically, guys lie to impress girls.  Guys want to impress girls so that they can sleep with girls.  Once thoughts like “want to touch the hiney” are gone, guys are free to be honest.

Think about it.

He spends all night opening car doors for you, telling you you’re beautiful, buying you whatever you want at McDonald’s.  After a night like this, who wouldn’t be doing The Deed?

And then?  After the most amazing 15 minutes of your lives?

He rolls over.  Leaving you to bask in the afterglow.  Alone.

Or asks you to fix him a sandwich. 

Or wonders outloud when the last time you went to the gym was.

For those precious 5 minutes he thinks there is nothing wrong with any of these statements or behaviors.  He doesn’t think anything is wrong because for those 5 minutes he isn’t worried about the next time he is getting some.  For 5 minutes HE gets to do and say what HE honestly wants to do or say.

Use this time wisely.  Keep a list of questions you’ve always wanted an honest answer to next to the bed and when he enters “I don’t care about what you think” mode start the interview process.  You’ve got about 5 minutes!

Helpful list of Questions to Avoid: 
Am I too fat for the red dress? 
Do you like my mother? 
Who do you think about more, me or the cat?

Honesty shall set you free on Hump Day!

I read lots of blogs/books/articles about the how-to’s of becoming successful in various areas of my life.  I’m trying to stop because the love of  how-to’s is a sign of anxiety, the inability to be present to the process which is where true success is found.

Until I successfully kick my self-help habit, I will share one piece of advice that shows up,  in various forms, everywhere:

Have goals.  Write goals down.  Use SMART goals.  Long-term goals.  Short-term goals.  Lists of goals.  Share your goals. 

I have done amazingly well in school despite the effort put in, and a big part of that is because I follow directions.  I am a direction following fanatic.  I read directions for shampoo, People.  I love following directions. 

So when the books tell me to have goals?  I make goals.  I write them down.  I break them down into long-term and short-term.  I make sure they are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and on a time line.  If you ever ride in my car you will be greeted with a list of various goals because I want to be constantly reminded of where I want to be in a given amount of time. 

I take goals seriously.  I follow directions.

I have goals for my health, finances, relationships, career.  You name it, I’ve probably goaled it.

Everything, that is, except for my sex life.  I have no goals for my sex life.  And having no goals is the equivalent of saying, “I am ok with this staying the same.  I have no expectation of growth from this area of my life.”  Which is so not true!  I want sex to get better, I want to become more sexually fulfilled as time goes by.  I refuse to settle for sexual stagnation. 

I’m not going to share my personal sex goals (mostly because I thought of this approximately 15 minutes ago, and haven’t had time to make one yet), but a great place to start is with my favorite therapy technique, the Miracle Question:

If you woke up tomorrow, and a miracle happened that caused your sex life to be amazing, what would be different?  What would that look like to you?

Your answer should give you an idea of what details constitute amazing sex for you.  Saying “My goal is to have better sex” is simply not going to cut it. 

Did your miracle include having more confidence?  Could you tell you were more confident because your miracle self had buns of steel?  Or was your confidence seen in whispering your secret fantasy into your lover’s ear?

Maybe your miracle sex happened after an amazing night of emotional foreplay.  Perhaps the physical intimacy happened after a night of stimulating conversation.  Or a whole day was spent showering each other with random acts of love that allowed you to truly melt into each other’s arms.

What does your sexual miracle look like?  What goals are going to get you there?

A few weeks ago a conversation of sorts took place on my Facebook page…

Not one, not two, but three women have been denied the tender caress and loving warmth of a Snuggie by a man.  This is wrong.  So very wrong.

Ladies, please recognize that his distaste for the reincarnated bathrobe is his problem, not yours.  You are valuable and worthy of the love a Snuggie so generously provides.  Do not let him convince you otherwise.

Go ahead and say it out loud:  I deserve the Snuggie.

Therapeutic, right?

Now that we have that settled, let’s move on to a bigger question… why all the Snuggie hating?  I mean, even really cool pastors who preach love and kindness hate the Snuggie.    Really?  You’re going to look at this…

And tell me Jesus wouldn’t have dug the Snuggie?  Please.

Men do not hate the Snuggie.  No, men fear the Snuggie.  Big difference.  Men fear being replaced by the Snuggie.  Men fear that the Snuggie will kill all the Sexy.  Most of all, men fear being… cold. 

Fear is nurtured by ignorance.  Let’s give these men some Snuggie information that will have them tripping over themselves to be the ones to help you into your Snuggie…

Replaced by a Snuggie
Men get insecure over really silly things.  When you and your Snuggie begin to curl up together your man will, naturally, become very jealous.   Does she love the Snuggie more?  Will she still need me?  Did I just hear her moan?

When you get your Snuggie, remember his fragile ego.  Remind your man that this silly piece of felt couldn’t really replace him, and do your best to keep a straight face.

Sexify the Snuggie
The first time you see a Snuggie words like “frumpy”, “old”, and “monk” immediately come to mind.  Not exactly words anyone wants to hear in the bedroom.  Like I’ve said over and over, men are visualand I’m sure my Snuggie campaign seems to fly in the face of my rhetoric.

Listen, I’m not asking you to ignore his visual needs.  I’m asking you to get creative.  Play “Guess What’s Under the Snuggie” and make sure the answer is always “Nothing!” (because “A turtleneck and sweatpants!” totally misses the point).  Or what about the standard guy fantasy of being chased around by a frumpy old monk?  The Snuggie was practically made for making this fantasy his reality!

Keeps everyone warm
Sexual activity goes up in the winter because there really isn’t anything else to do.  But it’s cold.  And cold sex is decent, but not awesome.  Sure, you can try to stay under the covers, but all the bumping and grinding means that covers are on the floor within 5 minutes.  What if you got your Snuggie?  And he got his Snuggie?  And you wore them “backwards” (rightwards if they were robes)? 

The Snuggie your man despised has now become his very own Cocoon of Love.  I’m brilliant.  I know.

Don’t let your man’s fears keep you from getting Snuggie with it on this blisteringly cold Hump Day.