Category Archives: Letters to My Step-Cat

Letter to my Step-Cat

Dear Nala,

Listen, buddy, you are so going to have to back up off my man.

Yes, I know you are a cat.

I realize you are a male cat.

And that you have no “manhood” to speak of anymore.

I understand that these are all “reasons” I should not feel as if my relationship with Mark is “threatened” by your presence. 

But do you want the truth?

I am threatened.  Don’t think I don’t hear you two.  The secret whispers and cuddling that go on all night long in our bed.  All the purring when the lights go out.  The “Aw, Nala, you’re my soft kitty, aren’t you?” 

How he pets you.  All. Night. Long.

I notice how he attends to your every annoying meow, even if it is 3 in the morning.  Yes, we are all very aware that you him wrapped around that crooked little tail of yours.

He even has the audacity to share details about your special times together. “Nala is so cute.  When we’re in bed he sleeps with his paw on my face.  Isn’t that adorable?”, he’ll ask as he paws at my face for a reenactment.  Make. me. gag.

Well, little buddy, let me just tell you right now that when it comes to “special moves” in the bedroom I’m so the winner.  And you wanna know why?  Because of a special body part that I have, and you do not…

Thumbs.

That’s right, punk.  I gottem, and you don’t.  And they do magical things.  Things you can only dream of.  Like pick things up.  Or you know that bathroom cabinet door that you incessantly try to open?  If you had thumbs that dream would so be yours.  But like I said, you don’t.  Sucks to be you, huh?

So back off my man, or I will challenge you to a thumb wrestling match… and you will be dominated.

Much love,
Mommy

Letters to my step-cat

Dear Nala,
I know this is a hard time for you, getting a step-mom and all. I just want you to know that I really do love you, and even though you hate me, I think you’re a pretty swell cat.

I’m writing this letter out of respect to you, and for entertainment for me. I’m not sure if you’re old enough to hear this, but I’m going to tell you anyways.

Your “dad”? The one I call ‘Mark’? He isn’t your real dad.

What do you want, CrazyLady?
What do you mean, CrazyLadyThatHasRuinedMyLifeAndStolenMySideOfTheBed?

Make matters worse? He isn’t even… feline.

Blasphemy!

I’m just trying keep this relationship as honest as possible… because I care.
Ha ha, Sucker!
Your Loving Step-Mommy.

Kisses!